A letter to someone
Before I write this letter I feel like I should explain who this person is to me. K is a man I met shortly after filing for divorce. We were supposed to be friends with benefits but things got complicated. Anyways, we don’t talk anymore which is why I chose him for this entry. There are so many things I’d say to him if I ever had the opportunity. Since the chances of us speaking again are slim to none I suppose a letter in my journal will have to suffice.
I don’t even know where to start, I feel like I have a million things running through my head when it comes to you. It’s a mixed emotion of anger and admiration. I’m angry because you shut me out but then I take a step back and realize how amazing it is that you let me in the way you did. I have often wondered what made you trust me? You offered me more information than you ever needed to, more than you were comfortable with just to keep me happy. What made you break your rules for me? I guess I always wondered what a guy like you would see in someone like me? You could have a million girls who would know better than to question you about your business etc but you told me things just so I wouldn’t leave. I know I’ve asked you and your answer was one of “I trust you” but you never told me why. Part of me smiles at the fact that I was an exception to you, the other part of me is riddled with curiosity.
You’re a complex man, one of the things that attracted me to you so much at first is how different we were. I liked the fact that you were a bit of a “bad boy” but then I realized a few months in that I may have liked your bad boy qualities but I fell in love with the fact that you were a good man. You always looked out for me, even when you didn’t have to. You had the sense to separate yourself instead of taking advantage of a fragile heart and for that I will be forever grateful to you. Part of me wonders did I make it up in my head or make it more than it was? I hope I didn’t, I hope you did have genuine feelings for me but one will never know. Even if we were still talking I know you’d never admit it if you did. You always were a man of many secrets.
Just as you tried hard to open up and adjust to me, I tried so hard not to be nosey and too curious. I stepped out of my comfort zone
I also owe you an apology. You took a lot of shit from me because I was going through so much and for that I am sorry. You never deserved any of it, and thank you for putting up with me. I know it wasn’t easy…I’m not an easy person to deal with on a good day never mind when my life is falling apart. You took a burden that wasn’t yours to take and that speaks volumes about the kind of man you are.
I’m not sure if you are even aware of the things I saw in you. I often times think you are a harsh critic of yourself, then again aren’t we all? Some people may categorize you because of your line of work but you are one of the most honest, hard working and loyal men I have ever had the privilege of meeting. It’s weird because being at your place was always a risk for me but I never felt safer. I knew that when I was with you, you would never let anything bad happen to me. It takes a strong man to make a broken woman feel safe. You are probably the only man in my life who didn’t use my vulnerabilities against me. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes because you are incredible.
There’s a quote online that states “If you had a daughter and they dated a man like one you’re with, would you be okay with it?” I can wholeheartedly say if I had a daughter I would want her to be with a man like you.
I’m a firm believer that everyone you meet has a purpose in life, I’m not sure I would have made it out of my divorce without you. It sounds silly because I had family and friends but you offered me something no one else could…A place where none of that mattered. A place where for that night I wasn’t broken and pretending to be okay. I mean I sat and cried Easter morning on your couch and trust me I don’t cry in front of just anyone. You were a part of a small group of people who loved me when I couldn’t even love myself and I will never be able to repay you for that.
I genuinely wish nothing but the best for you in life, god knows you deserve it.
*Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say*