Dear Ms. Cöt,
We just greeted each other today and talked about the plane ticket for the Ber month flight. And that’s it, we didn’t talk much at all. Oh right, I also mentioned to you how I see our relationship. I see us like Hanzel & Grethel eating away anything that is desirable to us without much of a resistance. Only to find out that what we’re eating, though it tasted REALLY good, is poisonous. Making me ask this question, “Why is something so good be so bad? Where is the justice here!”
No one is taking it away from me, but if I want to be a follower of Christ, I have to give to Him the good and sweet poisonous food and accept that I’ve been poisoned by the food so I can be healed. It’s something I must do willingly or else there’s no point. I just did that this morning, and I have to always surrender and give it to him when someone gives me these poisonous sweets. I must stop eating it for the healing process to start.
Today, I don’t feel like talking to you at all. Yes, I miss you. Yes, I wanna see you. Yes, I wanna be by your side. BUT, I shouldn’t right now. To stop myself from wanting you too much, I have to remind myself always that by the end of the day I’m alone and I don’t have you with me, we can’t be together, and everything about wanting you is wrong.
Honestly, it’s not really romantic love, no matter how much I process it. I know what I felt when I had butterflies and what I feel for you right now is not even close to that. I love you but at the same time my weakness for human touch got the best of me and it just happens that you’re very much willing to tango with me. To put it plainly, my weakness is the lust of the flesh. I’m not sure about your love for me and if the lust of the flesh is also your weakness? Because you can’t compare your love for me to any other love, so you’re feeling confused about it. So it’s more likely that it’s our weakness.
Anyway, I plan on laying low this week. Hoping that I can be stronger when we talk again. I can’t wait for our next planned video call, that’s the only time I can validate the things I did this week, if it was even effective.