Everyday’s the same where I wake up but don’t want to get out of bed. Where I don’t even want to move. As soon as I awaken, my thoughts are active and they scream and scream.

Nearly 4 years ago I wasn’t as bad as I am now. I never used to hate every inch of myself and everything I had done and did. 4 years ago I just had sad thoughts. Now?

Now I skip meals. Cry every night. Look in the mirror for hours and try to believe i’m beautiful. Write suicide notes. Try killing myself. Strangle myself. Cut myself. Cry in the shower. Have panic and anxiety attacks when the voices and things get too much. Wish to be happy.

People keep telling me everything will be okay.

It wont.

It never will.


Each day that passes, I get worse.


I get so bad that I start to feel sick and feel like I can’t breathe. And I want to tear apart my skin.


I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

One thought on “Worse”

  1. Darling girl, what a very sad situation to be in. Have you considered a counselor and/or a doctor for medication. I am on an anti-anxiety med and it really helps. You need help, sweetheart. Don’t think about death. It’s not your time. This is your time to LIVE. Don’t worry, it will be over one day. And if you are trusting in Jesus you will have a glorious afterlife. But He also will help you just day to day; just to get out of bed. He wants to help you live and be happy. I know that sounds impossible from where you are. But try this: believe in His love for you. Whether you are already a Christian or not, He loves you dearly. Believe. Let that be your new mantra. “Jesus, I believe in Your tender love for me.” Let him mold your heart and create fresh life there. Your heart sounds worn out and broken. I’m so sorry for your pain. Things can change and DO change when you seek God. Praying is just talking to Jesus. He is waiting for you to know His love and see yourself with new eyes. He wants you to let go of the self-hate—-just give it up to Him. Let him take it. He will give you something good in return. Love to you. Grace.

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