Day 3 – I’m Alone

Dear Ms. Cöt,

Today we barely talked and I purposely prevented myself from wanting to know more about your day. I know you’re busy, probably from all the paper works you need to finish getting for your next trip.  I was also busy today, buying stuff for the apartment, ended up using all the gift cards and using my money to pay for the groceries. It wasn’t the first thing I had in mind, but I really want to organize the stuff in the apartment.

Oh, and I also plan on ending this letter just before you arrive here. This is the last time I’ll be writing stuff about you. You know what I’m hoping at the back of my mind? That you’ll need some attention from me, then I’ll make time for you. But I guess it’s better this way. If you’re not asking for any attention, then I don’t have to worry about saying “No.” to you. At least this way,  all I have to do is say no to myself.

Also today, it kinda dawned on me how alone I really am. Like in this walk, in my life’s walk, I have no one I can walk with side by side. Now I’m realizing that my friends are blessed to finally meet that one guy who’ll treat them with all respect. That one person that they can suffer and rejoice together. I have ruined my early chance by prioritizing the call of the flesh instead of my real calling. Probably, if I have obeyed and didn’t lose my path, I would have met him. But, that’s a big IF… sigh…

I think I’ll be ready to take this “lone walk” soon, and hopefully after we meet, I’ll be able to start it without anything ruining it. I’ve been praying to God to help me control my urges, my desires, but, I really never felt in control of it. So, when we meet, I will do my best to resist but I’m really giving it to God to help US get through it.

Anyway, it’s getting late and I plan on working early tomorrow. Good night, my dear. I love you.


Red Panda

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