I felt such need to write this so someone could see that I am not fine; now the feeling is sort of gone. How pathetic has it got to be to get writer’s block about one’s own feelings?   ~*~ I have become some sort of shell of a person that I should have been and there are probably too many reasons for my-its existence, but I also have gotten used to getting over it because men can’t worry about that; it would be heresy like fucking a pig in a church. Sorry for the imagery, but I had to express myself. I do not know what has been wrong with all of the men God put in my life, so very… appalled of deepness and entertaining complexity, feelings, spirituality etc., and claiming to cutting the bullshit with me but, God forbid, I tell them what might be wrong about their approach to life. I cannot even recall what categories of insults they used for me but it did not stop me from being ostracized. I say that because I was not ever part of some clique or had any single friend. Then entered some sure coldness in my being. I did go through depression but I always thought it was a waste of time and I got over it by myself and God’s will. My parents should have been there for me, but to this day, mental illnesses seem also a waste of time for everyone else. My parents are not emotionally invested, they care to an extent rather naturally. I blame myself only partly for not communicating, because I did not understand that blame until recently; this was about 6 years ago. Apathy became my new coldness during my first attendances to college, but my anxiety was so strong too. It still can be.

2 thoughts on “First”

  1. Dear Prince, you sound very lonely. Anxiety is miserable, isn’t it. I’m proud of you for overcoming your depression with God’s help. Ask him to help you through the problems you are having now. The Bible says, “If my father and my mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up.” This has applied in my life. Your father and mother didn’t exactly forsake you, but on some level they did. But let them off the hook if you can. They don’t understand. They would probably do better if they knew how to try. Ultimately you have you and God. So invest in that, my friend. And keep on journaling. People do care. Strangers care sometimes. I do.

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