First Entry

 Hello Friend,

How do you start these kinds of things? I heard keeping a journal is important for those struggling with depression, anxiety, self-worth issues and other “problems”. Is it just me or do you end up having a hard time finishing and sustaining a journal? I do. Maybe it’s because I crave human attention and interaction? What I mean by that is, I rather be talking to someone about my day and my feelings than taking time to write in my notebook. I’m trying this out and hopefully I’ll keep at it, maybe the fact that it’s public makes a difference. Even if no one ever reads this, it’s just the fact that someone might. Maybe I’ll entertain a really bored person, maybe someone can relate to me, honestly I don’t know of the possibilities.

How do you start? What am I meant to talk about?

I hope no one is here to judge, but I can imagine that could happen.

Honestly I don’t know if my thoughts are stupid, most of the time I think it is and so I don’t speak. Is that a sign of anxiety? If you’re reading my entries and you have an opinion I would gladly like to know as long as it’s constructive criticism. I’d like to know very much if I am an idiot.

Maybe I should say more about me in case anyone is actually reading this. Me: 20 years old, Asian (as in I am yellow), college student, ex party girl, I am depressed and have been clinically diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia disorder.

I don’t like saying I have disorders. If you knew me in person, you would know I’m quite unpredictable. No one would think I have major depression, no one would think I have body dysmorphia disorder especially with what I tend to wear, no one would think that my anxiety is so bad it sometimes takes control over me and I could go on and on but you get the gist. I believe the media has somehow glamorized certain mental illnesses and that people use it as an excuse now a days. There are days I use my depression as an excuse to be lazy. I admit I hide behind my depression and anxiety and I allow fear to control me. I don’t like when people think it’s okay to use it as an excuse or seek attention. I want to be strong and I want other people to see me as strong. I hate pity. Hate it. Maybe the fact that I do not wish to be pitied is what makes me feel lonely. I don’t allow myself to be weak or express my deepest fears and worries.

I want to feel motivated and document my life. I want to read back on this in my future and relive the moment or re evaluate and analyze my thoughts.

I heard writing down something you’re grateful for everyday is a healthy step in being more positive. Let me give it a go: I am thankful for my condo being clean today. I didn’t feel so tired today like I usually do and there wasn’t much mess for me to clean up. I am thankful the aircon was actually pretty cool today. I am thankful my boyfriends mother treated me to lunch even if she was upset with my boyfriend and I. I am thankful I did not wake up too grumpy. 

I also read online that commending yourself is a healthy process to being more positive. I cleaned briefly, I did the grocery list for both Alice and I. Alice is my room mate and best friend. I cooked dinner for us three: Alice, Allan, the cat and me. I drank a lot of tea. I didn’t smoke too many cigarettes today. I picked up the laundry. I didn’t express my annoyance with my boyfriend instead transfered the negative energy elsewhere. I did 10 squats for now but I’ll most likely do 20 more before bed (hopefully). 

I probably should start working out. I’m trying to start building up the amount of squats per day, however there’s no guarantee with me.

I don’t really know what more to say and it’s 6am and I haven’t slept yet. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, I should go. It was nice getting lost while typing. I should sleep earlier, what is wrong with me? Insomnia is a sign of depression, I seriously got to fix my sleeping schedule it would help with my seratonin as well.

Goodnight Friend. 




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