PeachyLife Chapter 4: Uncertainty

I have 3 main focuses in my life: my marriage, building a home, and making a baby.  Unfortunately after coming home from a 10 year anniversary trip to Key West, all 3 of them went to shit.

My marital relationship was the first to go.  A shortened explanation is that T has a major drinking problem and I asked him to stop so we can have a kid.  Excessive alcohol can decrease sperm counts (he already has low numbers) and he can’t be drinking while watching babies anyway.  He tricked me into thinking he had indeed quit, but a few days after returning from our trip I discovered a ridiculous number of package store purchases on his credit card statement.  Like multiple times a day ridiculous.  I gave him an ultimatum: go on a money lockdown or get out.  He chose the first option, so he now has to make all purchases with me on the weekend or bring me the receipt for pre-approved or emergency purchases.  He doesn’t have a job, so it makes the spending lockdown fairly easy.  I don’t know if he plans to get a job and move out ASAP or actually improve our relationship.  Only time will tell.

The second to go was our house… or what was supposed to be our house.  The contractor called and said we can’t move forward without major changes.  He made a $50K oversight on the cost of the retaining walls and failed to consider the site plan without a basement.  We are meeting this Thursday to find out if we can move forward or not and at what cost.  I doubt I will get any ‘real’ answers from him.  I anticipate something like “well if we do XYZ we *might* be able to build this with no extra costs”.  And to turn ‘might’ into ‘definitely’ will likely take several more weeks with no real guarantee that anything will work out. 

And last but not least was any remaining hope of a pregnancy from the month of May.  This was the hardest of the 3 things I lost by far.  I am sick of not getting pregnant.  I am sick of the fertility clinic and their ridiculous hours of operation.  I am sick of putting in so much effort while my POS husband liquors up, eats junk food, and does whatever the hell he wants without even considering how horrible IVF would be for me.  Why should he care anyway, it’s not like he would have to go through any of it.  I would be the one getting daily injections, blood draws, appointments, a very invasive & painful egg retrieval procedure, etc.  Yes I have told him that is how I feel, and that is why he agreed to stop drinking.  Except he didn’t.  Which is why I am so angry.  Month after month after month I do all this shit only for him to sabotage all my efforts.

My future is very uncertain right now.  I don’t know where I’ll be or who I’ll be with 6 months from now.  So I’m focusing on the things I do know I want.  I know I want to move out of this awful rental home.  I know I want to get rid of all the physical clutter that has held me down. I know I want to lose weight.  So that is what I’ve been up to the last 2 weeks.  Sorting through my junk, donating items, selling some on eBay.  Also trying to eat as little as possible in attempt to lose some weight.  

Let’s see where life goes from here…

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