Day 4 – Missing You

Dear Ms. Cöt,

So, apparently we only have our morning greetings now and after that, nada. And due to the nature of your job, you get home late with only few hours left for the stuff you want to do. I know that I should be used to this but, if you chose to spend your night that way, I’ll leave you be.

I was going all throughout this week hoping that I’ll be seeing you next week’s weekend. Apparently, I counted it wrong. I miss you, and yet I know I should be thinking less of you. Just one scene in the TV series that I’m watching now reminded me of everything we do when we’re together. After remembering you, I realized that I have a long way to go before I reach the point where I can look at you without all of these memories and thoughts.

Yes, I know it’s humanly impossible, that’s why I’m not doing it by myself. I may look alone physically, because I’m the only one called to live this life of mine, but I have God healing me and teaching me how to condition my mind. I know that my heart will eventually have to admit that what’s happening right now is inevitable. I know that with him, there’s hope and apart from Him, I’ll be forever chained and hooked to “wanting you”.

Somehow, even though I’m undergoing all of this, there’s peace in my heart telling me that everything will be alright. So yeah, it’s difficult, but it’s the right path for us. It’s the path we’re destined to walk as of now, far from each other.

I still love you, and I don’t want to stop loving you. But this time, I want to love you right. I was once entangled in this crazy obsession towards you, and you know that. The problem is we both welcomed that obsession. And eventually, we realized how are feelings are consuming us and it was not healthy for both of us. We were always arguing over little things and I always want your attention. That’s not how I want to love you, that’s too selfish to be called love.

I wanna love you right this time, starting with correcting myself. Love is not suppose to be selfish and not conditional. Even if you don’t give me the same attention anymore, that should not lessen my love for you. Probably the only way my love for you will lessen is if my love tank gets empty in the process. When that happens, I don’t know where to get the enduring part. Will I have a change of heart when love requires me to endure? Or my love tank will hold on until the last drop of love I have for you until we have a good closure of what’s really happening. Anyway, that’s something I’m not sure is coming, but bottomline, I wanna love you the way you should be loved, pure, unselfish, and unconditional (the best way I can, I know there will always be a condition, but one step at a time).

I hope you’re sleeping well now. I miss you so much. Sleeping beside you is always nice. (Inhales deeply, then exhales) I hope that this journey will give us the strength we need to not go there when we meet soon.


Red Panda


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