Day 5 – On With My Walk

Dear Ms. Cöt,

Our short conversation about possible trip in the future made me want to suggest that we video call tonight and give ourselves some break from moving forward. Then I realized that if I do that, then there will be next time. Next thing we now, we’ve never moved on and we’re still stuck where we were. I know that we don’t want that. It’s the main reason why we’re doing this, for us to start growing and become a better person.

Today, I heard from a show saying that, “the heart can never be wrong, it’s always true.” If I didn’t now better, I would have agreed to that. But we both know that yes, it is true to what it feels but it is also deceitful, for we can be sincerely wrong too. We’ve both acknowledged that the truth, will always be the truth and us refusing to accept it is not helping us at all. Truth will never change its nature… then we realized, how much we were fooling ourselves thinking that we can go on living our lives with each other without destroying the lives we were meant to live. So, with hands down in surrender, even though it hurts, we turned our back from each other and started living our lives.

I wish I could say that I am regretting that action. As much as I am frustrated right now, I don’t regret it, because it’s for the best. It’s like taking the medicine the doctor has prescribed, and just because it’s bitter it doesn’t mean it’s for the best.

What I hope we get from this is for us to walk side by side, while we do the things we’re meant to do and enjoy each other’s company. I know it’s possible, because I believe that God didn’t allow us to meet to do wrong things, I believe our meeting is meant for good, we just  focused on the wrong part. But the moment we’re good to go, with God’s permission, I know that we’ll be able to amazing things. Not because we’re amazing, no no no. More likely because we’ve surrendered who we are to the One who knows us best. And with His help, He can maximize everything and make things amazing! Now, that, I’m really looking forward to that day.

The feeling of great satisfaction in life with peace, I know that feeling. We both know that feeling, and we ruined it with our selfishness. But now that we know better, we want to go there back with God, and this time, we hope to see each other and work together again, while loving each other without any blemish. I really want that with you.

So yes, as much as I want to video call with you right now, it’s not the right time. I miss you, though. I guess, I will never stop missing you until we see each other again. Until then, I hope that everything is going well for you. I heard earlier that you no longer have those bad headaches, looks like you’re recovering. I can’t help but think that it’s your reward for doing what you’re suppose to do. You’re no longer stressed, worried, or even frustrated for being far from the people you love. And if I may exaggerate my thoughts, frustrated because you’re far from me. I hate our long distance, but, it actually paved a way for us to finally do this. 😛

Imagine if we’re still together, we’ll always be sleeping together, refusing to face the world as long as we have each other. You’ll wake up to eat and do some small stuff, and we’re allowed to kiss any time we want. Yeah, it sounds good… sounds really good. But we know better now, life is not about us and that. We want a fulfilling life, therefore, it’s kind of a blessing in disguise. A disciplinary action from someone who loves us and knows us best.

I can’t wait for you to be back. I’ll give you a super duper tight hug, and enjoy my time with you even if it’s just for few days. Until then, I have to keep myself busy with work and other parts of my life. I don’t care about other people’s attention any more, because I know I have you. If worst happens and you don’t love me any more, it’s okay. That doesn’t mean I should stop loving you. Plus, I’m building my relationship with God now. So if that time comes, I know it’ll hurt, like a lot, but I’ll survive. I love you.


Red Panda

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