I know life is made up of over a million moments, but sometimes there is one single moment that happens which changes everything. It can change the type of person you are and it can change the way people look at you. It also has the power to change the way you view life.
I was in a very oppressive relationship before with a very controlling boyfriend, and it slowly drained away my independence and the love I used to have for myself. The only logical reason why I stayed with him was because I believed I loved him. He was the only support I had during a sensitive time, when my parents were both diagnosed with cancers. My friends were too busy with their lives to be there for me, so all I had was him. In a world of loneliness, he was the only person I could lean on. I used to be the type of person who was strong enough to stand on my own, but this situation left me completely helpless that I didn’t know what I should do.
However, now I know that the relationship I had with him was not true love. I wonder if I would ever feel the joys of being in love again because I am too hurt. I am too cautious and wary over a human’s capability to lie, cheat, and generally be untrustworthy. It is too hard for me to trust someone with my heart anymore.
Due to my loneliness and emptiness, I lost some friends along the way. They told me things like, “I don’t think we are meant to be friends.” Friendships that I have made for over four years being stomped upon, just makes my insecurities surfaceeven moreso. Therefore, now I am self-conscious about the friendships I make as well as the relationships I may have.
One moment can truly change someone to be an entire other being. I used to be a strong, independent woman filled with self-love and self-respect, but now I am someone who is completely lonely, empty, weak, and helpless. I know I have to toughen up and that I can’t just believe someone can save me from this pitfall I am in, but it would take time. I want to practice loving myself and changing myself into the strong person I used to be proud to be.
I hope I can become that person once again.