It feels so weird when you see someone from your past when you were close to and now they’re so far. Still keeping in touch over facebook/twitter, you see everything people are up to. I was on this girl’s page that I went to elementry school with. We were as close as can be; and I was shocked beyond words that she apparently frequently does cocaine. More than shocked, I got this weird feeling. Not exactly jealous, but like I said a weird feeling.
Because I used to go to a private school when I was younger. And when you’re 13, 14 years old that’s around the time that all the teenagers start experimenting and such and most don’t go beyond alcohol and pot. For me at least, it felt so good to say I had done it. People had this impression of me that I was this sweet, innocent goody-goody and I just craved so badly to change it.
So when I went down that road part of me was the adrenaline of just being in a bad, dangerous situations and the people that came with it. But the other part was fitting in, even if I didn’t know it. There was never any pressure to try things. And it’s not like I wanted to be “cool.” I just wanted people to see me in a different way. And I think all of a sudden I was in so deep with pills and such that even when I was caught with the white powder in my purse I was not going to stop. But I guess I just wanted to be in the situations with friends that I was never going to be the innocent one.
Like one time I met a guy and we were chillin at the mall and he asked me the worst thing I ever did. And he told me that one time he stabbed someone. LOL. He was like, “he stabbed my brother. It was payback.” So it’s like if I’m with a bunch of criminals and junkies and shit, I’d still want to fit in. I hate to be looked down upon, like I’m the “baby” or virgin of the group and so I like to top what the straight-edge kids consider “bad.”
Because it’s not as if my friends can relate. Most are fine that I do drugs, but are totally not okay with doing it themselves. I’m tired of this. I’m too fucked up for straight-edge kids; too straight edge for the hard-core ones. There are so many kids at my school who think they’re cool for doing pot and are bragging about that which makes me wanted to laugh. Pot doesn’t do anything, just barely takes the edge off. I guess for some reason I expected to be the only one as messed up as myself.
Like it’s so easy to see someone doing hard shit and then you’re like, “you shouldn’t be doing that..” but it’s just so different when it’s you.