I’ve come to find that the middle hours of the night are the hardest. Whispered conversation plague your mind, the uncertainty and unknown play in the loop. I’ve come to realise that the night sky stays the same every night but despite all that, they seem to have the answers to all the questions I have to ask.
I use these nights to cleanse my soul, the stingy coffee and the cigarette buds would like to disagree but we all have our ways. Sometimes when I zone into this place of ecstasy and oblivion, I realised that my hands absentmindedly reach for the smoke rings that I make, as thought capturing them. Its so funny, I try to control things I cannot.
I cannot stand the words- Get over it. All of us are under such pressure to put our problems in the past tense. We need to slow down. Don’t allow others to hurry your healing. It is a process, one may take years, occasionally, even a lifetime- and thats OK.
I believe that it is our duty to know yourself you know? To explore all of our dark corners and those where the light seeps in. To uncover every fear and flaw. Maybe thats why they give us a lifetime, to know oneself.
If you let yourself go, you’ll realise that there are two voices in you at all times. One howls what the world expects of you, while the other gently whispers all that you, in your heart truly want. And happiness comes to those who have learned how to drown out the white noise of the world and pay close attention to what really matters. Theres a warrior inside of you and he needs to win. Don’t try to choose a person and become them. Don’t try to assume the person you are. Because no matter how hard you will try, all the pain in the world will not help you be someone or find somethings that doesn’t exist.
They tell you that these questions of existentiality are questions of the night. To be forgotten in the morning as you go by the usual slog. What they forget is that, even in the dreary toil of the morning, you do not forget. You don’t forget, that somewhere out there you’re merely existing. I say existing, because you don’t know who you are, what your heart’s made up of, so how could you really be living. Just breathing in that air isn’t enough, you need to feel it in your veins.
The path is tedious. Not rewarding either. But I’ll tell you what the favourite part of this whole journey is? The opportunity. The opportunity you have to discover yourself. You will not find yourself in your job, or your friends or the choices you make. You will find yourself in those silent empty nights as the stars shine for you and you finally understand what they seem to say.
It will be an unexpected surprise, the defining moment. The collision of stars that shall slam into you and send your neat little world plummeting into the ocean. It will be all you. Its on you and always has been. And there will be no looking back.
You will find yourself. And it won’t be the end. It will be the place of your origin, it’s where it will all begin.