I’m NOT okay. Far from it. I just went out today. But I feel-no, I AM so alone. I used to be the kind of person who had a mountain of friends, and now it’s a sad pathetic bump. I’ve lost everything. I used to be best friends with these two amazing girls. We were as thick as thieves. But then it ended. And when SHE left-I felt so lost. Then Rebecca and I became BEST Friends. We spent every weekend together and I used to always sleep over and hang out every chance possible. Now I’m lucky if I get a few hours each weekend.
I’m so alone and so I do whatever it takes so somebody will stay. I don’t care what they want from me or where they come from. I try not to be too pushy – inviting myself to things. And it seems like everybody else is moving on; even my ex-best friend who was put in a mental hospital for 2 years (and for good reason). Even the people you secretly think are losers. But I can’t. Everybody has their own “friend gangs” and is in relationships. And it makes me unbelievably sad that I’m not a part of one. Not really, anyways.
My supposed friend talked about her hotel bday party where there would be drugs and alcohol for months. I was naturally stoked- then she didn’t invite me. There was no fight or anything. She claimed that things might be awkward because I don’t know anybody. But isn’t that the POINT? That i’ll make friends? I’m glad she’s never been around me when I’m fucked up though. I’m really annoying. I act CRAZY.
And I feel really sad all the time. I walk around the house, watching my popular sister do all the things I’m jealous of. Tears are pooling in my eyes, and most of the time I just look like a sad pathetic puppy, begging to be loved. I think part of it is that I’m way too crazy for Rebecca, though. The last few months I’ve been popping pills left and right and she knows it. She claims that pot and alcohol and “noz” aren’t drugs and that SHE DOESN’T DO DRUGS. And would never.
You have no idea the kinds of crazy people I hang out just so I won’t be lonely. Mostly guys. I know what they want; I just don’t care. Is it just me? Is it some aura that I’m putting off that says, PLEASE, IGNORE ME AND TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. Love isn’t real. Friendship isn’t real. It all fades out in the end. Because even the lowest of the low have best friends. Is it me, or is it universal? Is EVERYONE just crazy busy these days? I’m TIRED of trying. Trying to make it work; and making an effort. EVERYONE CAN KISS MY ASS.
Above all of it, I’m SO tired of these goody goodies. I’m tired of the people who treat me like i’m CRAZY because I do things harder than weed. Maybe I’m obsessing. No, for sure I am. I hate feeling like I’m a shitty person, even if I am. Like, I’m sorry that I went down a different path. I’m sorry that we can’t all be perfect, like you. But I wouldn’t change it. I would HATE to be like you, a small minded girl who thinks shes cool cause you got drunk 1 time 2 years ago.
I’m so done hanging around those kinds of kids. This is going to sound like a horrible idea, a diaster waiting for happen. But from now on I’m only going to hang out with druggies and fuckups such as myself. Because believe or not, SOME people appreciate being in my company.
YOU FEEL ME?