Fuck This & Fuck That

I’m NOT okay. Far from it. I just went out today. But I feel-no, I AM so alone. I used to be the kind of person who had a mountain of friends, and now it’s a sad pathetic bump. I’ve lost everything. I used to be best friends with these two amazing girls. We were as thick as thieves. But then it ended. And when SHE left-I felt so lost. Then Rebecca and I became BEST Friends. We spent every weekend together and I used to always sleep over and hang out every chance possible. Now I’m lucky if I get a few hours each weekend. 


I’m so alone and so I do whatever it takes so somebody will stay. I don’t care what they want from me or where they come from. I try not to be too pushy – inviting myself to things. And it seems like everybody else is moving on; even my ex-best friend who was put in a mental hospital for 2 years (and for good reason). Even the people you secretly think are losers. But I can’t. Everybody has their own “friend gangs” and is in relationships. And it makes me unbelievably sad that I’m not a part of one. Not really, anyways.

My supposed friend talked about her hotel bday party where there would be drugs and alcohol for months. I was naturally stoked- then she didn’t invite me. There was no fight or anything. She claimed that things might be awkward because I don’t know anybody. But isn’t that the POINT? That i’ll make friends? I’m glad she’s never been around me when I’m fucked up though. I’m really annoying. I act CRAZY.

And I feel really sad all the time. I walk around the house, watching my popular sister do all the things I’m jealous of. Tears are pooling in my eyes, and most of the time I just look like a sad pathetic puppy, begging to be loved. I think part of it is that I’m way too crazy for Rebecca, though. The last few months I’ve been popping pills left and right and she knows it. She claims that pot and alcohol and “noz” aren’t drugs and that SHE DOESN’T DO DRUGS. And would never. 

You have no idea the kinds of crazy people I hang out just so I won’t be lonely. Mostly guys. I know what they want; I just don’t care. Is it just me? Is it some aura that I’m putting off that says, PLEASE, IGNORE ME AND TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. Love isn’t real. Friendship isn’t real. It all fades out in the end. Because even the lowest of the low have best friends. Is it me, or is it universal? Is EVERYONE just crazy busy these days? I’m TIRED of trying. Trying to make it work; and making an effort. EVERYONE CAN KISS MY ASS. 

Above all of it, I’m SO tired of these goody goodies. I’m tired of the people who treat me like i’m CRAZY because I do things harder than weed. Maybe I’m obsessing. No, for sure I am. I hate feeling like I’m a shitty person, even if I am. Like, I’m sorry that I went down a different path. I’m sorry that we can’t all be perfect, like you. But I wouldn’t change it. I would HATE to be like you, a small minded girl who thinks shes cool cause you got drunk 1 time 2 years ago.

I’m so done hanging around those kinds of kids. This is going to sound like a horrible idea, a diaster waiting for happen. But from now on I’m only going to hang out with druggies and fuckups such as myself. Because believe or not, SOME people appreciate being in my company. 



One thought on “Fuck This & Fuck That”

  1. People come and go. Friends are really hard to find and really hard to keep. Love is really hard to find and really hard to keep. But all of these are easy when they are real. You fight with real friends and you never get mad to the point the friendship dies. You find with your partner who expresses real love for you, but this love will never die because s/he will know how to forgive you and forget about, will work with you to make things work well and smooth, will endure everything and never give up… But yet these things are really hard to find because all of us don’t know how to do it. Why? Because most of us are not “well”. We have struggles on our own that we need people to fix for us.

    Are love, friendships real? yes, they do exist but they are really hard to find and I do believe that one day I will find someone. And I do believe that one day you will too. But, get ready for it. You will encounter people that will make you go through a lot because you were not ready. NEVER, EVER LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Take time to discover who you are. Take a piece of paper and write about all the things you like, love, hate, would like to do, what things that you truly believe will identify you as yourself and as a unique person.

    I am saying that because if you don’t love yourself first, if you are not self-reliant, emotionally, economically and in anyway, you will always be deceived. Don’t expect anything at all from anyone. And anything that you want, try your best to give it to yourself, don’t wait for people to give it to you. Take time to focus on yourself and love yourself so much because no one will ever love you better than yourself ( except God). I know it’s hard and it’s really hard for me. But I am trying my best everyday. I cry a lot, sometimes I think of suicide but it’s not the solution. When you feel the need to cry, cry… Just be yourself and don’t care about anything that anyone is saying. JUST BE.

    Work on buying a really smart girl. Set a goal about something you cherish a lot and do your best to achieve it and realize it. Use your time to help others. And you have to woek on yourself and love yourself because if you don’t, even if you find someone who loves you , you will lose that person because you will expect them to love you and do things for you that they are really not responsible for.

    Remember that everyone is different and NOBODY, NOBODY in this world owe you anything at ALL. Do what they are willing to give you, respect their choices and don’t expect them to please you on whatever things you need. They have things they like that you might not like, so don’t force them to be someone else. And if you find someone that does not make you happy or do not reach your standards, don’t fight it. Just move on and don’t expect them to change. You will suffer for that if you do. There will be bad days, but continuous work always gives great results.

    And if you are not self-reliant, you won’t find the sort of love and friendship you want. By self-reliance in love I mean, if your partner does not call you when you expect him/her to call you; just let it be. Call him/her. Just do what pleases you and don’t expect anything at all. You have to be so comfortable with yourself that it won’t affect you at all the kind of bad actions that he/she does. Even if he/she cheats on you.

    Once you feel you’re really comfortable with yourself, be in a relationship and have a friendship. Otherwise, right now, don’t let anyone in because I don’t think you have achieved that self-actualization.

    It’s up to you. I feel exactly how you feel and it’s really hard for me. I even am running after this guy that supposedly loves me. And I know it’s wrong but I don’t know why I keep on doing that. I have to stop, I will stop, but right now it’s so hard.

    Just focus on yourself.

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