My mind is full. I’ve been trying to clear it and find serenity for days now. Through yoga and meditation I’ve become unaccustomed to this mental state. It is stressful and it wears me down. It must end.
This morning I laid on the picnic table in the sun. I breathed. I acknowledged my spine and commanded it to be long and straight and for the muscles around it to relax. Did they? I think so. My mind was screaming at me, making things up. Fabricating reality. Are my hunches good for me? Do they serve me well? Should I just do what I know to do rather than negotiating with a situation, a person, and the universe? Where is the trust? Surrender and let it all go. Say goodbye. Embrace me. Love me. I concentrated on my eyes. They seemed to be bulging out of my head through their lids. I commanded them to relax. They protested. I commanded them to relax. They fell into their sockets and my mind began to loosen. Less judgement. Less timelines. Less expectation. Less demand. Less comparison. Aching and longing for the trust and serenity. Careful to not scare it away and shoo off my progress I asked for it…the outside came in and I lost it.
My skin is on fire. Desperate for the sun and for some activity I overdid the sun bath. I can’t say I regret it. Summer is here. Let’s participate. Bugs. Hiking. Camping. Sun burn. Road trip. Sweat. Bikinis. Fruit. Nuts. Music. My lover and I got away from the city. We were on the same wonderful page on Friday afternoon. Our adventure wore on us and I saw a new side of him. It was intense and strong. It got my attention. There was a reminder that when something isn’t right the correct action is to move forward and move on. Tenacity and resilience are always rewarded. I was reminded that there are several ways to get something done. And there are several ways that work just fine. I exercised love and patience and kindness. My man can be a handful from time to time.
We needed rest. We slept in a park under the shade of a tree. I don’t remember falling asleep. Only way-king up. There was a sonic boom through my body. Something (also) intense and fast. It started in my core and fluttered through me to my extremities. I’ve never woken up this way. A release? The meditation from earlier in the day? I woke feeling better than I had felt in a few days. I was grateful.
Lifetimes go by. I wonder what is important. Nothing and everything all at the same time, right? Consciously choosing the action, the attitude, the inspiration every time. Ensuring someone is at the helm up there – taking care and exercising self care. Love. Connection. Friendship. Forgiveness. Authenticity.
It feels good to muse to my heart’s desire.