I woke up with my nose bleeding; It’s from all the pills I snort. My life has become a big haze of bad decisions and I should know better. I should stop; cut myself off completely. And last night I stayed up till 3, and when I got up there was still powder from all the pain pills. I can’t really admit it to anyone because I’m so scared of being misunderstood; I haven’t even told my therapist that I’ve been getting high at LEAST 1 to 2 times a week for a few months now.
But I am proud of myself because I was with my friend at the mall two days ago and for once I didn’t steal anything. HA. That’s what my life’s come to. I’m proud that I’m not THAT big of a criminal. Honestly, summer’s been really boring for me. So many people are on vacation so it’s really just boring. RJ is in Australia so it’s not like I can get more drugs. Which SUCKS. But maybe it’s a good thing. If I don’t have any more access, then I guess I CAN’T take drugs, and it’s not in my control. But once he gets back, that’ll be a different story.
So for now, I guess I’ll have to sustain myself on weed, alcohol and maybe some x.
In other words, I’ve had enough of my mom. I’m so sick of her BULLSHIT. She asks me to “stop being angry” at my dad and blah blah blah. But that isn’t it. It’s TOXIC how he treats me and it’s not normal. In front of the public he puts on a smile or in front of relatives. But in private, he acts CRAZY. I just think I deserve better than to be treated like that. When I was little, my parents would go off on me saying all this shit. And I just sat there, crying my eyeballs out and then they apoligized and I had to forgive, but it was a cycle and kept happening. No more, I say.
It’s like I’m the only one who sees it. Probably because I’m the only one who will stand up to his crazy ass. I don’t know why my mom loves such a psychotic man. He looks at innapropriate pictures of women, and he yells at everyone. And when I tell her how he treats me, she’s like, “I don’t know about that..”
When we were in therapy, I was talking about how she’s said all this crazy shit to me and that’s why I don’t respect her. Like when she was like, “I don’t need permission. I could just throw you out on the street. Hope it doesn’t rain.” or when she was yelling, saying she was going to burn all my books. And, THIS BITCH. She’s like, “I would never burn books. They’re valuable.” And basically discounting EVERYTHING I said, cause she doesn’t want to look like the crazy person she is. She made me apoligize for stealing some her Xanax, which she needs for “anxiety”. MM-HMMM. Sure. But the truth is, I’m not sorry. I kind of see as the same as when kids steal their parents liquor.
My point is, she’s so dramatic when it’s her. Like, she read my diary and is saying that we’re basically even because I kept secrets from her. WHAT?! All teenagers keep secrets from their parents (and if they don’t they’re not NORMAL). Not all mothers read their daughters journal. And mind you, it’s not like she accidently saw something then closed it. That might be okay. But she made the concious effort to continue reading it. It still makes me so uneasy to this day.
That’s the one place I go to and express myself freely without any worry of judgement or ANYONE seeing it. Nobody was supposed to read it. It was for me. I feel like I sent my boyfriend a nude and the whole world has seen it. THAT’S HOW I FEEL.
Honestly. I wish I was adopted.
P.S at dinner last night, I told mom how when she tried to give up to the cops, I told them I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I’m 18, and so THEY asked me if they would see me working the streets, as a prostitute. And she just started laughing. WOW, IT’S SO FUNNY THAT YOU’RE SUCH A BAD MOM.