Dear Journal (cannot believe I’m actually doing this),
I will try to write inside…you? Or is it it? I don’t know. Anyway, I want to try this out, to help me get over my ideas and emotions.
My everyday life is pretty boring and standard (which is partially my own fault), so I won’t write much about it.
I had the idea from a Fanfic over and fimfiction.com. To make it short, Celestia wanted to keep her thoughts about Nightmare Moon’s banishment
somewhere, but of course, she could not tell anybody. That’s why she started a journal herself. And since I am struggling so much to talk
to anybody about my feelings (mostly due to not having anyone close enough to talk to, without knowing that I am bothering him/her), I thought
this might be a somewhat viable alternative.
I am also going to write it in English (duh), since I just feel more comfortable with the language than German by now.
I might also make this one public…I don’t know. I do not feel like anyone’s gonna get any enjoyment of what I write, so…maybe.
The only person I really thought I might be able to talk to, was Frenchy.
He is a guy I met online the other day. He is a friend of a friend I like to play Team Fortress 2 with. He is a Brony too, and I really like him, because he is so goldhearted. I always like to quote what I said to him once: “You have the innocence of a child”
However, while I am pretty sure that even he is not always happy and rainbows and stuff I, again, (same problem as in real life) do not want to bother him with my problems.
I would feel like I weigh him down and, because of goddamn social standards, people just listen and “suffer” instead of telling one if my talk annoys them or not. And eventually I do not know what he thinks about me. I do not want to lose him as a friend.
Funny, now I am thinking about that old chinese “3 Faces”- thingy. (Or was it Japan? I don’t remember.) Everyone has 3 Faces, one that you show to the public, one which only your closer friends know and the final one, which only you know. And I feel like, the more I reveal my final face to someone, the more insecure I feel about him actually caring about me. And again, I am not talking about the kind of “social standard”-caring, I mean the actual one, where people are genuinely interested in somebody’s emotions. I feel like I am missing a close friend I never had (That might be a quote I’m going to use in the future.).
I am not the most sociable person, I know that for sure…but I do not like having friends which I do not like. Every person has his ups and downs, but some ups are more important to me. For instance I do not like boasters. Those “swagsters” kind of people. They can be fun to have around, but they are not the people I feel comfortable having as friends. You cannot talk with them about anything sentimental, since that would weigh down their “coolness”.
So, I am still somewhat hopeful to find someone to talk to. Preferably a brony, to be honest. Not because I want to talk about the show with him/her so badly (though, that’d be a nice icing on the cake, too), but because I know that are less likely to be dicks. It is how it is, I have experienced enough to be able to say that. And while the internet makes this task quite possible, having someone to talk to IRL is irreplacable.
And of course, I would do the same for him/her. I mean, if he/she has problems and struggles, she can talk to me, too. I might have advice for her, or just be there to listen to.
Like I said, (and this is a good closer, since by bus is arriving in 15 minutes,) I feel like I am missing a best friend I never had. (I might put that in the title).
And while we are at it, I am gonna make this public, screw it. I have nothing hide from the world wide web. This is anonymous eventually.