Closer Just Means Further Away…

This is my first journal…

I haven’t even started one until now, although I’ve considered it for a few years, because I’m embarrassed to even see my own thoughts down on paper since I know so many of the things coming out of my mouth..hand? are kind of pathetic.

I have kind of a unique situation. Well, if you divide it up into parts, it’s nothing special. But, all together I’m not sure if there’s anyone else who can fully understand EVERYTHING. 

I come from a Western country and living in an East Asian country. Actually, that wasn’t my plan originally. I went to a really good university…one of top twenty in the world. But the guy I was dating there had to go to his military service… and because I really liked him I got upset. When I visited here first, although I was doing study abroad, I was not ok mentally and started sleeping with a guy that I didn’t even really like? Actually he was kind of an asshole but I was bored and kind of lonely and as I said, not really a great mental condition. Anyways I ended up getting knocked up and I found out right after I went back home. But I was too embarrassed to tell anyone except a few close friends..and although my parents knew I’m not so close with them so I didn’t tell them either. Anyways I really struggled in the next semester because I was living alone and I was REALLY sick…I was the kind of pregnant where you throw up every day 15-20 times for nine months and so I didn’t really gain any weight at that time (yay! but also couldn’t enjoy food). I ended up coming back here at 7 months and got married to one guy because I needed a visa .. and we made the agreement that I pay all the baby stuff and we split other costs evenly because he was still a student and of course that was reasonable considering the situation. Anyways after my daughter was born because we had no money I had to start working just two weeks after, which was actually fine because I recovered really quickly but also not easy, not because I wanted to be at home but because just I wanted to rest. I feel like I haven’t had a single day to rest in three and a half or four years now. Since that time I worked around 50-60 hours a week doing teaching work every single day… so my immune system has become pretty bad and I’m sick often. Even last year I got some respiratory infection and I couldn’t work for a month, which put a huge financial strain on us…

Anyways I was pretty much always lonely because I have no support system (my husband’s dad is divorced and we are not close with him) and for a long time I had no friends too. The only way to make friends was through internet or some chatting apps, which of course means mostly my friends are guys (which is fine because being friends with girls has always been hard for me) but finding the GENUINE kind of friend is just so hard over that kind of app, even after I got over a language barrier. Many guys seem nice but turn out to just want to sleep with you in the end, and in most cases a lot of people seem they will be close with you but in the end just end up leaving because they were ‘just curious’ about what it’s like to be close with a foreigner, and after losing interest just move on. I also know I’ve ruined a lot of relationships because I have needed someone to support me in a way that a lot of people can’t…

Fast forward three years to now. This year a lot changed.. I have had to be living on my own because my husband works in another city.

Actually I was meeting another guy for a year…someone who I genuinely liked. He was really really kind..but because of his work he was always too busy… (since it’s client-based there’s nothing he can do about it) I feel like I always wasted a lot of time waiting for him and I was always upset about him cancelling some meeting. If I explain his behavior actually yes it sounds like he is a really terrible person but I have to say, first, Actually he is VERY kind, but except for being busy from work which I really do understand, he has been kind of alone his whole life because it’s just his personality. So it’s not that he doesn’t care about someone that is important to him, just .. he doesn’t know how to function well socially and I think that’s what was really hard for me. Even though I asked him many times to change his behavior, for example just text me a little more (instead of once in three days) or meet a little more often, which I don’t think are unreasonable to ask? Considering a text message just takes like 30 seconds… I asked sooooo many times and every time he apologized when I got mad and said he was really sorry but still he didn’t change…so I concluded it’s just his personality. I never worried about him not liking me or meeting someone else because that’s not his kind of personality…he’s just so…clueless. I felt like the only way I could get attention from him was if I got mad, but even though I got mad I feel like he didn’t accept that and just act like, oh she will get over it. Anyways for the past six months he started having a really hard time…his mom got a brain tumor (and his dad already died four years ago), his grandma passed away, he got some kind of problems continuously at work so his business started to not go well, etc. I didn’t know for six months whether he wanted me to wait for him or not because he never ever answered those questions when I asked, he just kind of stopped talking to me. Eventually, recently I got the answer out of him that ‘even though it’s selfish of me, I would like it if you wait for me..’ and ‘I thought about texting you often but every time I didn’t know what to say… I thought because I am really messed up now that you wouldn’t be happy with me so I just didn’t text you.’ So instead just ignored me for that long… without asking me I would be ok or not. That really hurt me…because then it seemed he felt I am just like a toy, he can be with me when he wants, and then put me away for later and I will still be just the same as before. Even though he promised since that time he will change and I said ok just the past is the past, he broke two of our appointments  (1: the cat had to have emergency surgery. It’s a real excuse and I’m totally ok, but he ‘forgot his phone’ and didn’t even consider to text me until like 2 am after I stayed up and waited and waited… 2: he couldn’t finish work in time to meet me). I said that was the last time to meet me and just ended the relationship over text…but he just didn’t respond after that. He finally got my call once and said ‘i’ll contact you on tuesday’ but of course that didn’t go either… He’s not a bad person but because of his … like unintentional selfishness and working too much, I realize how much he hurt me and how much time I wasted just waiting and waiting for him… but at the same time, he was the only person who knew REALLY everything about my situation and didn’t care it. Which is why it’s hard to lose a person like that, even though I lost him without his response… And I always felt like if I was lucky it could be my path ..out? Of what I’m not sure. And to what I’m also not sure. But I feel like my lifeline was cut.

I also thought that if I go back to university I can finally make real friends and I wouldn’t be so lonely. I thought going to a woman’s university would be strange at first, especially since I’m older than the other students by four years (I will be 8 years older than first year students when I graduate…haaaa). But actually I ended up making some really good friends. However, that also made me feel more lonely. I can’t tell everything about my life to my school friends because that is part of my reputation… I also got the reputation for being a presentation master in my major, group leader, always kind and supportive to others, smart, etc. So people look up to me that way. Even my students that I teach, although we can be really close, there are some things I REALLY want to tell someone about my life but I can’t because that’s my work.

I’m painfully aware of why I do various actions, how I ruin relationships with others etc…but I’m also painfully alone. I’ve come to realize that I think I have bipolar disorder (my friend who’s a doctor said it would be pretty reasonable considering my personality and behaviors) so thinking that way actually helped me understand myself more. However, I don’t think I want to get any therapy or psychological help for it because I don’t really feel comfortable telling all this shit to some older person I don’t know.

There are two things which make me really sad these days. Well, three.

First, all my friends are going on really neat trips for the summer but for obvious reasons I can’t go. I feel like I’ve lost my opportunity to travel for my life, and I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to have that young freedom type trip with my friends to some cool country because I have too many responsibilities and no money. Even when I see people my age or high school students playing freely in a park, I feel so jealous of them. When I hang out with friends I always feel bad because I have to go home early because of the babysitter, or I know the time I have is gonna end soon so I can’t enjoy it fully. However, my solution is that when my friends travel, I asked them to bring me postcards and stickers and stuff from the places they go, so then I can make my own travel book. Although they are places I can’t go, so I can feel sad looking at it, I can also feel happy because it’s kind of like being able to visit those places, when I have stuff from there.

Second, I did meet a really nice guy these days too but I feel bad because I think he doesn’t know everything about my life, and also he has to go to the army later and I know how much that hurts. So I can’t let myself like him that much although I really want to, because I know I’m going to get hurt later.

Third, one of my husband’s friends on Facebook also had a kid by accident, although she married the guy before having the baby. They are really happy together and got their own real apartment and their life is comfortable… plus two of her best friends had kids at the same time so they can all hang out together. Of course I know the life on facebook looks happy it doesn’t mean it really is, but because I know them personally I know they are really content with everything. So I’m honestly really jealous of her because my home life is not happy and comfortable like that, and I don’t have any friends who can understand me.

All my friends always tell me how cute my daughter is and ask about her but honestly although I don’t regret something and I don’t blame her I just constantly hate myself always.

I just live for my students these days because it makes me so happy when they learn from me and I want to do everything I can to help them succeed. It’s what keeps me going every day…but a lot of time I feel I’m no help to them either.

 

I don’t want to live every day jealous of others. I also don’t want to live my life unhappily. But I feel like every situation is too complicated to get out of anything. So…I don’t know what I can do exactly. But I don’t want to feel this badly. It’s not because of being in a different country… It’s because there’s no one anywhere I feel like I can relate to.

One thought on “Closer Just Means Further Away…”

  1. We suffer because of our desires and you might say “I’m now desiring not to desire” well the answer is simple but starts with a question, Why do you desire in the first place? Maybe because you think it will make you feel better. If you don’t want to live an unhappy life you desire a good one filled with friends and laughter. You desire because of the opposite of what you have, Many short people desire to be taller and vise versa, it causes suffering to our minds. If you simply desire to not be jealous of others then see what you already have, know that they are not any better than you, accept that you don’t have what they have for what good is desiring at the cost of your own happiness? What good is having more, if you don’t love what you already have? It will only leave you wanting more. Maybe you desire to teach students what you know for them to succeed because you may feel as though you have failed at life and wasted time but, you have learned from it and grew, it is not wasted. You desire to have someone by your side because you feel painfully alone but you are all you need, realize that you are complete already. Desire nothing but also have ambition. It’s hard to let go of desire, the key is to not think of it. If you notice yourself desiring something let the thought pass through you, brush it off. It might be hard the first few times but you can do it. “The root to your suffering is your desires.” Hope this helps in some way, just thought I could help in some way. -Ambi

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