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I feel like complete and total shit. he started shit once again. the name calling, the accusing. i don’t know what the hell i did. I’m so tired of this. I’m so fucking sad and it’s pathetic. the texts started last night around 11. He hadn’t texted me back for an hr and yes i was still awake however i was about to fall asleep. i guess i should’ve picked up the phone. at 10:57 he told me i was pretty. At 11:23 he told me to “hoe it out”. What does that mean? and why the sudden change? Where did this come from? I mean if i put up the pictures of all the things he said. It was very hurtful. I’m hurt and i feel vulnerable and humiliated. I feel stupid. The only sense i can make from it is that he just wants to be single. but if he just wanted to be single why can’t he just say so instead of insult me and make me feel like shit? He swears that I cheated on him with 5 people at my workplace. And he says that he knows there were more. And on top of that he’s accusing me of talking to other guys. He called me a bitch, an attention whore, he said i deserved it. I mean he just went off. And I almost texted him back last night. I almost called him back. But that would’ve meant me staying up all night and i had to be up at 6 today. I woke up at 6:20. I really feel like hes been trying to get me to break up with him. You can’t talk to your significant other like that and have the nerve to say you love them. We’ve gotten into arguments before, and fights. really bad ones. holes in the wall. he’s cornered me. I should’ve left him by now but fuck it’s just so hard. And i feel so ashamed that I’ve forgiven him and stayed. I guess not even forgiven because I never felt that his apologies were actually sincere. Especially since he just blows shit off after his blow ups. For example, this one time we got into a really bad argument. He threw his tv and almost hit me. He grabbed me by my neck and threw me on the floor with my head on the mattress so i was kneeling down and he had a beer bottle in his hand. He was going to smash the bottle on my head. So we got over it, whatever. But of course I wasn’t going to be over it by the next day. The next day I was sitting beside him and questioning my decisions. I was scared but i was still sitting beside him. Where’s my fucking sanity? It came up. I mean it was going to come up, you can’t expect for that shit to happen and then have me just act like nothing ever happened. I had bruises and scratches. It wasn’t something I could just ignore. I wanted to talk to him about it, like what could i do to help but he just shuts me out every time like can we not talk about this? Idk. It just amazes me how he can just go on about his day after he’s acted the way he has. How can you be so neutral? He does these things to hurt me. Purposefully. And that’s what gets to me. If you love me why do you treat me like this. I’ve neglected other areas of my life for him. And I feel so shitty saying it. Because i hate when people throw things in my face. My dad always threw everything in my face. And so does he. So i dont want to be that bitch that sits there and says “well ive done so much for you, i dropped everything”. But i’m only human and it’s true. For the way you’ve treated me and all the things you’ve called me and for the many times I lost sleep or chose to see you instead of my family, the times you made me feel guilty cause i wanted to spend some time home or by myself. I’ve devoted myself to you. So it stings when you accuse me of all the things you think i’m doing. After today, I don’t think we’ll ever get back together. And i really wish i could just key your car. But I’m hoping that my absence will hurt you more.

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