Being Vulnerable

So there is very few people in this world who know about my depression. First, my best friend. I told her over text when we were discussing really deep issues that she was going through. It still took me about a year to tell her though. It’s not that I didn’t trust her. I just don’t like opening up to people.

Second, my mom. But that’s because she doesn’t know how to respect privacy and read my diary…

Third, an older mentor-type friend. She’s 28, so not that old. I’m 16. I told her because we started doing these monthly get togethers with a few other girls and I knew they were going to get possible really deep and emotional. So I wanted to prepare her. However, I’m slightly regretting telling her. Not because she’s being mean about it or anything. It’s actually the opposite. She’s being so nice and supportive and is constantly asking me how I’m doing. The sad part is that I don’t want her to do that. For some reason my brain doesn’t like telling people how I’m doing. I can’t physically express my emotions without breaking down. And breaking down means being vulnerable. And I don’t want to be vulnerable. I’d rather stay here in the box I’ve created for myself instead of actually getting help.

She e-mailed me sometime last week asking how I’m doing or something. I haven’t actually read the e-mail and I can’t bring myself to. I know she’s just being super nice because she genuinely cares about me. She’s going through some of the same things I am, maybe even worse. But I don’t want to open up to her. I don’t even have a reason not to. I’ve been putting off reading her e-mail but I honestly should. It’s been too long. Too long since I’ve told anyone what’s going on in my head.

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