About two weeks ago my mom found my diary. I had hid it in my bathroom closet because I didn’t want my cousins to find it in my room when they came over. I totally forgot I put it there until I came home from school one day and she sat me down to talk. She had read it. She told me she knew it was my diary but she decided to read it anyway because she felt like she was called to…whatever the fuck that means. It sounds more like her excuse for invading my privacy. She read all of my rants complaining about her and my dad and finally found out about my struggle with depression. She was surprised that I felt such a hatred for my dad but attributed it to me being a teenager. She also brushed off my depression and basically said I’ll get over it.
She also found out about all the things I hide from them. Like the music I listen to, movies I watch, friends I hang out with, clothes I wear when they’re not around. I live in a very conservative and religious household. The rules are very strict and most of the time backed by some vague verse in the Bible. My parents’ rules ultimately led to me falling away from my faith and hating them for being so constricting.
The main thing that she found about, though, is that I watch porn. That was what made her want to sit me down and talk. She said she would have otherwise ignored what she read and not told anyone. But now she knows about the porn. She said God called her to my journal so that she can stop me from sinning. It’s not even that bad. It’s not like I’m addicted or watch it constantly. Just sometimes when I feel especially depressed or alone. But now she thinks I have a problem. Again with the religion. Watching porn and masturbating is a big no-no in the Christian world. She told me I’m going to ruin my sex life because I won’t be turned on by normal people anymore because I’m so used to porn. She also said I’m more likely to have sex before marriage. She still believes I’m abstinent. Of course she would. Why would she think differently? I mean, I haven’t had sex but I definitely don’t want to wait until marriage.
Anyways, now I feel like I can’t trust anyone in my house. She isn’t going to tell my dad due to the fact that he’ll freak out and I’ll probably be sent to a secluded all girls boarding school in the mountains. No, he wouldn’t do that. Then I’d be too far away for him to control me.
So now I guess this is my new diary.