Temporary Happiness

Summer is finally here. My last final was today. That means I’m free to be stress-free and happy.

Or am I?

With all this extra time on my hands comes a lot of time to think. I get lost in my own head all the time. That’s usually when the depression hits. When I have nothing to do I get sad and I feel worthless. For some reason my brain retreats to a dark place and I feel like I can’t get out of it. It affects everything…my mood, my relationships with friends, my motivation. I end up just sitting thinking of absolutely nothing but everything at the same time. And it doesn’t help when my mom gets on me for sitting around all day on my phone. Yes, I understand that I’m a piece of shit with no motivation. You don’t have to tell me that. I’m fully aware.

I need a job so I can have something to distract my mind. But first I need to pass my road test. Then I need a car so I can get to said job. Of course, that’s assuming that I actually get a job. It all comes full circle. If I don’t get a job then that means I’m going to work at the family business again. And that just sounds horrible. I can’t grasp the idea of having to spend 8 hours a day, at least 3 times a week with my dad.

So my problem is that I need to fill my summer with things to do so that I can be happy, at least temporarily. When I run out of things to do then I’ll be back to that dark space in my mind. But I can stay out of that as long as I’m distracted.

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