The Downfall

I’m ready to die. I’m not at a point anymore where I think I can bring myself to do anything about it. But I’m ready. Every day is as miserable as the last and finding a reason to live is an issue given up on. I don’t think I will ever find happiness. I don’t think I will ever love someone. Every morning I make it out of bed feels like a miracle. Every moment I’m looking for an escape. Or a way to get out of everything that I’ve building into a life and start over. But I’ve done that twice… And it always ends the same. I’ll never change, or be better, or figure it out. Some days it’s like my brain is buried in a grave and my body is just here, going through the mundane motions of a normal zombie human. I don’t know how to have fun. All I know is how to avoid people, and put on the fake face. But even my fake face is lacking, because I don’t truly know how to talk to anyone, because I don’t relate to anyone. I’ve never belonged here. I don’t fit in.

2 thoughts on “The Downfall”

  1. This might be completely melancholic but I love reading your journals because they describe exactly how i feel. I won’t tell you to have a good day or it gets better because we both know that it can go either way. I just wanted to say thank you, for not making me feel so alone in this fucked up world. Your raw honesty is heartbreaking and humbling.

  2. I never expect anyone to read these. I don’t know if it was how I was raised or just how I am, but I never have much time for lies. But functioning in the world calls for a lot of them, so I have somewhere to dump all the truth that rocks around my brain. The truth of things I have no say in and no choice in. I never asked to feel this way and I wish I didn’t. I am so glad that you have seen them and understand how it is. You feel less alone and now I feel a little less crazy.

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