Well, somehow I pulled myself out of my last funk, (we always do, don’t we?) and have managed to travel to the beautiful country of NZ with who I am 99% certain is the absolute love of my life. Saying that almost sounds like a fairytale out of a really cheesy and overdone romcom, but following your heart does come with some serious set backs. I made my biggest move just over a year ago when I decided to leave a job that sucked the life out of me and move across the world to travel and work. Sounds like another cliche doesn’t it? However, it was the best decision I could’ve made for myself at that moment. I was running from everything. I was running from a broken heart and failed love, a dysfunctional family situation, a job I hated, and pretty much everything that I let define me up until that point.
The first few months were bliss. I had savings in the bank, easy way of life, I was traveling freely and meeting new people with zero cares in the world. I met a lovely man who I began falling in love with and as our relationship progressed we decided to travel and work together!
What I DIDN’T anticipate were the challenges that I began to face. After all, I had been living on Cloud 9 for almost a year and had completely forgotten what real problems felt like. I suppose you can say that I have been lucky in that sense, however I feel everything except lucky right now. For starters, I began getting homesick. This was the last thing that I expected to happen as I was flying away on that plane, away from home and everything I knew. I was so excited to escape my life and start over, plus I just “knew” that I would be returning in one year to resume my life and be reunited with everyone that I cared for. As we prepared to leave for New Zealand, my partner and I, it really started to sink in that I may NEVER really be returning to my home. It should be noted that no matter how hard you have it at home, its still your home and nothing will every compare. Whether its the comfort and security of knowing your own culture, having your loved ones close, eating the food, or just the basic familiarities, there is something to be said about having the ability to return back to your roots (even if you think you’ll never want to).
Next, I began fighting with my partner in a very unhealthy and damaging manner. I don’t like to think back on these moments but I can say that we really learned a lot about each other and I thank God that we came out of it stronger. But in those moments when things were at their worst, let’s just say that I’d never really understood the meaning of loneliness until those days. There is nothing worse than fighting with the one person that you have found comfort in during your time away from comfort. I began to worry about our plans to travel together, worrying that it might not work out after I had kept my career on hold, left my friends and family for longer, emptied my bank account etc. This is when I began to understand the value of taking risks in order to follow your heart. As painful and scary as it can be, we only have one life to live and it is important that we take risks. I knew that moving to NZ would almost be a test of our relationship but as our trip drew near, I wasn’t worried anymore. I knew that we loved each other and that we had both grown as individuals and in our relationship.
So here we are, in NZ. What could be wrong now? For the love of God, I had no idea how hard it would be to get a job in this country! I’ve been here over three weeks, applied for 50 jobs (literally), and still no one will hire me! Needless to say, we are now feeling the financial strain and pressure to make this situation work and its really sending me into a downward spiral. I miss home, I miss my security, I miss not having to worry about paying bills, and I miss having self-motivation. Seriously, I feel as though I have fallen into a deep depression and possibly the absolute worst version of myself. I have no desire to crawl out of bed, let alone go to the gym or do anything good for myself. I’m fully qualified to do several jobs as I have a BA in dance education, plenty of experience in hospitality, and even some admin experience. Im well presented, charming, hard working and intelligent. If I could just get my foot through someone’s door for an interview, I know that I could land a job. The problem is that every application is done online, and through a recruiter who knows nothing about me! And what happens when you pay a visit to the businesses in person? Of course they tell you to apply online! Everyone keeps saying “don’t worry, it will work out. It always does.” I’m just not so sure at this point. We are supposed to be saving money in order for me to get a partnership visa in my partner’s home country, but we seem to be approaching the negatives!
I have to admit that I feel foolish after listening to myself here. I know that these are common issues that people face every single day. I know that I should be thanking God that I or my partner do not have a terminal disease or any “real” problems. As hard as I try to embrace the positives and think about what I do have, it just doesn’t make it any easier. I almost feel emotionless. Unless I am feeling anger, pain, depression, or irritated. I am rarely happy. All I want to do is get a job, save money, go back to his country, get the visa, and begin working towards my own career. I NEED something for myself, you know? I feel irresponsible frolicking around traveling while my bank account diminishes with absolutely no job lined up, let alone a career!
For now I am just trying to remain sane for my partner who is a beautiful, kind, and understanding soul. Despite all of my complaining above, I wouldn’t trade what I have with him for anything, even though I could pull my own hair out at times (most of the time). I just long for a direction and a purpose.