The Struggle

I’m not in a good place anymore. Seven months off medicine is my breaking point I guess. I want to blow my brains out. I want to take a fork to my arms and twirl my veins around like spaghetti. 

I’m so easily frustrated is my problem. And people just think i’m being a bitch. I know my claws are all out right now, I just can’t help it. I’m so on edge. There’s not enough time in the day. 

I can’t afford my medical treatment. I just don’t make enough money at my job to balance all my debt and help and food. So, in an unfortunate turn of events I’ll explain later, my boss handed over the clients he had outside of our full time job to me. It’s a lot of money for a little work, and the work isn’t ongoing, but it’ll help for this month. I don’t deal with stress well though, and being over allocated during the day on a project, and then coming home to work more is making me miserable. I haven’t been able to take the dog to the park in four days. 

I’m getting desperate again to keep up. I can’t wait until my credit cards are gone. Then it’s just student loans and car loans and I can handle it. Last time I was desperate I was in college and needed food. I was under a hundred pounds. I went to work at a strip club. I made money, but I’m uncomfortable in my skin and it made it worse. It was hard. I’ve been thinking about doing it again but Im not a hundred pounds anymore, so I don’t know how that would go.

Plus if I want to die over work now maybe adding more isn’t the answer. 

Also I hate this because I feel so pathetic being this distraught over work and money. That’s not life. At least not what I want it to be. And since I feel pathetic I can’t tell anyone and get any relief from talking. I certainly can’t afford a therapist right now, but I am thinking I could use one.

I guess I’ll just be my own therapist and read these again later. 

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