I did it I figured it out.

    Today I had a question popped to me. I do not remember the exact words in which it was proposed. However oh how the essence of this question popped like cherry in the word hole of my face. At the time when the question was asked I did not respond much about it because the answer was undistinguishable to me. Hours later here I happen to be rereading through some things I have written and BAM! The answer to the question so heavy setting in my belly which I strangely am unable to recall as well as I implore to suddenly displays its self astonishingly clear in my mind. The answer to this question is “Power”.

Forthwith I have the answer if only I could remember the question. Times like this I wish I were and elephant. Wrinkled trunk, big feet and all it may be worth it for the memory. I know this is an important answer to an important question.

“Power”……….. That is the answer.

This answer now screams to me another question.  Why power? Why why why?????

Do I relish the idea of power over me because in a way it makes me powerful my self and deep down I really want power or perhaps I like being to give my power away. I suppose in a way there is freedom in tossing ones own freedom. However I would have to think if I do choose some one to have power over me couldn’t it be someone nice and loving? Or maybe it is not these things at all. Could it be that I am just perverse and this is my way of letting it out without telling my self. Or am I justifying things again? I think now I am overthinking.

This chair is brown. This laptop is pink. I like it. I picked it out my self.

Why power? Why am I drawn so strongly to power.

As soon as I feel someone has any power over me I have this secret desire for them. It does not have to be a sexual desire. More like a desire to have there approval, to become pleasing to them. Growing up with out a father could be a possible answer as to why I do this. Still this realization does not mean that I like being treated poorly. I don’t like it and I want it to stop. In fact when I think about things more clearly it comes to this. Would I be happy if he was still very controlling but non abusive and treated me like I was loved, valued and cared about? The answer is yes I would be happy with that.

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