And yet sitting here, waiting for a text back it feels like eternity is stretched out in front of me; silence. Nothingness. How can I be so consumed by you- you, that barely even knows I exist.
I have typed out so many messages to you (and deleted them all again)- I just want to talk to you about anything, everything and nothing. I want to know you; your fears, your happiness, your dreams and the things that keep you awake at night. I go out of my way to see you at work just to hear your voice, see your smile and stare into those emerald green eyes.
This isn’t love because i’m fairly sure love requires the other person to feel the same way- this is just obsession; pure and simple wishful thinking. Wanting something you know you will never have; wanting someone who you know could never be right for you. We are from different worlds- yours is painted in colour and mine is just grey. But you make me feel, warmth, colour.
But you will never be mine, I wish I could give you up.
I miss you and you were never mine to miss.
ALIVE OR JUST BREATHING?
i guess i wanted to make this journal public- not for validation, or comments but to know that somewhere in my life i could be true to who i am; unafraid, unapologetic and honest with my thoughts. unashamed. to know that somewhere in the universe of the internet this is floating around with the possibility that someone may read it- truly get to know who i am. and that although it makes me slightly anxious to have my deepest, darkest thoughts out there along with my hopes and dreams it also brings me an immense sense of relief. i know that the likelihood of this ever being actually read is quite minimal but thats okay because it is the idea that it might one day be. i get so worried sometimes that nobody truly knows who i am- generally i am a very private person- to the point where sometimes i feel i don’t even know who i am either. i get so scared of my thoughts and feelings, too embarrassed to talk about them outloud and even to think them in my head. these demons inside i keep locked away because they would ruin everyone around me. it feels so good to let them run free- without the fear of judgement. i have bad days- bad thoughts. but this isn’t who i am- the people around me don’t understand- all they see when i lash out is a monster and maybe i am but its living inside me. i am separate. I don’t know which one of us is trapped. so i have to pretend to be okay, to push down my feelings. always be in control. to protect the ones i love. because they wouldn’t love me if they knew and it would only break them too. how damaged i really am. how broken. i guess i can’t blame them- broken things are dangerous..sharp edges and all. but i wish someone would just look into my eyes and truly see me- the battle I’m waging everyday, the toll it has on my soul. I’m tired; tired of pretending. i just want someone to see the real me and love all my shattered pieces. i know there are better days, brighter days. but for now the anger and the pain has pulled me back down to the black hole. and i don’t know which is worse- feeling too much or not feeling at all? it’s why i cut. to bring me back out of the abyss. the physical pain gives you something to hold onto when you can’t feel, and nothing else matters. and the blood that runs through your veins reminds you that your heart is beating. you are alive. when the hurt and the rage burn through your body and you think all you want is to not feel at all but then you get what you wish for and the numbness, nothingness is so much worse. because you have lost all hope, all meaning, love, life- none of it matters. its a surreal feeling. dangerous. because you can’t hold onto love because you can no longer feel the passion, the emotion and without a will to live the alternative seems possible. would it really hurt to make it all end right now? the nothingness makes it feel like it would be so easy. emotion might mean erratic behaviour but being numb takes away the care factor. i am so far down i feel like i am drowning- i know i can swim i just can’t remember how.