I’ve spent so many years by myself that I’m afraid I’ve dug myself into a social hole that I’ll never get out of.  In college I was constantly being bothered to join in and I did sometimes but it usually left me disappointed.  So in order to avoid the frustration and heartache I started to withdraw.  Now I’ve been withdrawing for a decade and nobody wants me anymore.  I hold out this hope that I could go to another part of the country where people want me.  I think there’s a lot of truth to that hope but I don’t know how to go about actually getting to the place I want to be with the people I want to be with.  Life is so dissatisfying.  And I’ve learned how to and that there is the possibility of changing things to make myself happy.  But it’s fucking brutal how much frustration I’ve run into in trying to do this in the face of people who want to oppose this.  I feel like they judge me for not being satisfied but also don’t support me in trying to make things better.  And I don’t even know how accurate that perception is because people play these self interested games of never being oneself in order to make things easier for oneself in this society.  You don’t want to be perceived as a complainer.  And then when you do complain in private and people try to be helpful they just say the most obvious stuff that isn’t helpful and if you talk about how you’ve already thought of that and it doesn’t work they get resentful and consider you ungrateful.  They think there’s a way that things always SHOULD be and you just need to do things that way without figuring out what works for you.

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