Only time will tell

There are times that I wish to see you. But then, I stopped myself knowing that the memories I once had with you will flash from the past. I want to see you for us to talk, for us to clarify everything. Whether it will turn out good or bad at least we have our closure. However I realized, do I still need the closure? This is closure already, us not talking. That’s 3 months ago, when you said your last word for me. You said you don’t have anything to say. But truth is 3 months ago we have so much to talk about. We have problems and issues we are currently dealing with that moment which could be fixed if only you didn’t refused to talk about. Instead of finding a way for us to be okay, you decided to end it. You decided to end the relationship we just started to build, just like that. That’s too easy on your part to do that babe. It made me conclude that, if you can easily utter those words and too easy for you to decide maybe everything you showed me are not true. Because if you’re going to ask me, what I felt that time was unexplainable. It was a mixed emotion of despair and misery and it’s too painful to bear. I was badly hurt.  There’s so many why’s in my head. I know that what we had is like a whirlwind kind of love, it started too quickly but if you are a person who loves truthfully you cannot simply let go of that.  Everything was real for me; all the things I say and showed you were all real. Even if you questioned everything about me:  the love I have for you, how faithful am I to you. I love you more than you loved me, what you felt for me is not even as half as what I feel for you. I stayed faithful to you even though I know you’re in love with someone else. If you can’t call that love, then I don’t know what to call it. It wasn’t easy for me to accept what happened. I don’t want you to go, but that’s what you want. I can’t stop you, because I know you will never stay. I don’t want to force you to stay, if it’s not what you want. I don’t want to beg, even if that’s what I want to do. So I let you go, I let you slip away easily without any complication. It kills me, do you know that? Not physically, but I know a part of died when you go. Weeks flies so slow after we lost our contact, I thought of sending you messages once again to reconcile, I kept my line open for you just in case  you want to go back, and I’d still say yes to you. But it didn’t happen. Then I got the idea of, if after all those messages I sent you the last time none of it was answered then there’s no way I will get an answer from you if I tried once again. We wouldn’t be like this in the first place, if it’s not what you want. So I just gave myself a slapped of reality and thought of, you will never come back. I started counting the days when will I moved on, days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months. At this point in time, I still miss you but it wouldn’t matter now. I am still counting. Counting how long will I wait? How long will I get over you? I don’t know but one thing I am sure of… only time will tell.

 

– J

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