I swear my life is just getting more and more ridiculous, it should be on tv like the Kardashians, all i would have to do is make a porno sex tape with someone famous and the world would finally have an eye witness account on how fucked up it is, who knows maybe i can land a movie contract.
Depression has gifted me with antisocial behaviour, so as of late my best friend probably thinks I’m being a moody bitch. She does know I’m back on pills but she’s not the type to assume good things when it comes to me and why would she, I’ve only always been there for her. But i guess its only human nature, we always remember all the bad stuff more than the good, right now her and my other friend are on a double date. The joys of being the single one in the group are finally hitting home especially when the one time I’m supposed to be going on a “date” my ex decides to call and invite me on my own date.
The last time i spoke to him was when i had dinner with him and his girlfriend, two weeks after we hooked up at my birthday. Did i mention he was still in a relationship when we hooked up? yep. Welcome to my reality. Growing up as a little girl we get brainwashed by movies with the leading man that will sweep you off your feet and of course the “happily ever after” but they don’t mention how many frogs you have to kiss to get there and all the shitty feelings that come along with it. I don’t want the grand gestures or even a prince i just want someone who will want to hang out with me not because he wants to have sex but because he finds me funny, but im one fucked up being and love just isn’t in the cards for me and I’m betting that if i ever find it, i’ll probably die within the week or i will contract a fatal disease, i just have to accept the fact that its okay to be by myself.
The other day someone asked me why I’m single and i made the excuse of “I don’t want to get in a relationship just to make myself feel better and i want to be comfortable with being single first” and yes i was being honest but when i really think of it its because i don’t know how to be in a relationship. Every time I’ve come close to being in one someone better has come and swept them away and i convinced myself that it was fate but deep down i know its because they were better.
Well to end my ranting I ended up cancelling, i don’t think i could go through this humiliation again, of course if i was on a television show i probably would i mean id probably be getting paid but tonight is just not worth it.