Being the best me I can be!!

I have a lot that goes through my head…

My past is full of hurt and abandonment. If I let someone live in my head for a day, they would kill themselves. My body always feels weak and tired, even if I get a full eight hours of sleep. Its a lot. If people knew everything that I have been through they would understand. Thing is that I only share certain parts of my past cause either it’s hard to talk about other parts of my past or i simply just blocked out the images or memories. I use to not know how to handle it. I use to throw things and scream at people. I made no friends and everyone that I was crazy. I went through six years of therapy so i can learn better ways to cope than having destructive behavior. Thing is that people say that therapy helps a lot. For me, it took me six years of therapy to get to that point. I can say it does help somewhat. It helps you learn better ways to cope with your problems, but they cant take the pain away or the regret. To this day, I struggle with not feeling hurt or getting over my regret. My therapist even told me that is something i will struggle all my life. Since I was born I was rejected and abandoned. It’s been like that all my life. I guess you could say the only reason I am still alive is because I am use to it. Like I said, I have been going through this since I was a baby. Its like you are training a child at a young age to learn how to be a fighter-by the time they are an adult, they will be known for being the best at fighting. I don’t recognized for what I do but I do know that I am definitely a fighter. A lot of people think I am weird for people watching, or think its creepy. I like to people watch because I like to see the small things. There is a lot of things I see that I just keep my mouth shut about because to other people it may seem silly or sometimes I think people will think I am crazy. That’s why I like to travel to foreign countries. A lot times Americans forget and are too busy with their own lives. Maybe I just have too big of a heart. But the things I see, are things I wish I could speak up about but I just don’t know how…or I don’t want to be put down for. I can see my heart hardening as time goes on. I have been struggling as a young adult with no parents and true friends. I grateful enough to have my boyfriend. I just hate that my head keeps telling me the relationship won’t last because no relationship of mine ever does, everyone always end up stabbing me in the back. I am trying my best to become the best person I can be but its war outside my room. Good vs Evil. And I am watching it all happen before my eyes. I know there is a bigger purpose for me and i cant see it. If only God would show me.

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