I thought I was in love with you

Because I could tell you things I couldn’t even tell myself. But now I see clearly, a weight has been lifted off my chest- what I thought was love was just a cage from which I am now free. You made me feel alive; real, when I was with you, but it was when you weren’t there I felt crushing loneliness, jealousy and like I would never be enough for you. That isn’t love, it was one sided- you were always on my mind and I barely ever crossed yours. Today I realised how much it hurts to make someone the centre of your world when they are too busy making someone else the centre of theirs. Maybe it was my fault, I had my guard up the whole time because I was scared; I’m impossible to love and everyone always leaves. And you were too perfect- everything I ever wanted, I don’t think I would’ve survived if you had of left too. So I pretended it didn’t phase me being in a relationship, I was nonchalant about everything when it came to you- but it was only a facade. You are on my mind constantly. Everything reminds me of you. I constantly wonder what you are doing and get so anxious when you haven’t replied to my messages- am I coming on too strong? Do you not feel the same.. am I reading too much into this? I was so confused; I thought we had something, I thought we could’ve been something more; I thought I loved you. I loved the idea of you. And now I see that. And feel it too- I’m okay with it now- how we are better off as friends. It’s amazing how badly you can want to have a connection with someone- they are everything you want but yet something is missing. That’s how it felt to be with you- like you were perfect, and I thought you were and that was why I was so anxious around you but I know now it wasn’t just me. There just wasn’t that flow of communication, easy going joking around and mindless talking. Everything was over thought, over played, too put together- too much pressure. What do I say? Is that funny- will it make you laugh? Does that sound smart enough? Is that too much to tell you? Will you care about that? Maybe I shouldn’t say anything at all. And that’s how I lost my voice. I just wanted to be perfect for you. You are so smart and have the most amazing eyes and I just wanted to listen to you and look into those eyes forever. I didn’t need to speak and you never needed me to either. It was like I was just there to give you validation. You didn’t care about me;Just what I could do for you, when you needed someone to give you a confidence boost, reassure you how amazing you are, how smart or how beautiful you are. That was all you needed from me and I was your willing submissive.
I don’t think it was ever your intention to make me feel this way- it isn’t who you are- they say we just don’t see the ones who are right in front of us because we are too busy looking for someone else. And I truly think that is what has happened here. We always want what we can’t have, always chasing after something better. In love with the idea of being in love. The idea of getting the unattainable. No matter who much it hurts us or anyone else. And it isn’t until we truly have lost it do we realise what we had in the first place. I don’t blame you, and I still love the idea of you. I still think you have an incredible mind and the most mesmerising eyes. You have a dark heart, filled with so much sorrow and I wish I could take all of your pain away. But I hope that one day you’ll find someone who can. I have accepted that I can’t be that person for you no matter how much I wish I could be. If it isn’t there, it cannot be forced.
Today I fully understood that concept. After speaking to you, with the awkward pauses and the anxiety about saying the wrong thing or sounding dumb, everything so serious.. I had a conversation with someone else afterwards- unexpectedly, the whole interaction just flowed and it felt like a breath of fresh air. To laugh, and joke around- be sarcastic and not care if it was too much, too dumb, or not funny enough. It felt so good, I found myself smiling and laughing to myself rather than dwelling and filled with anxiety at the whole interaction. It isn’t about loving someone else- or falling in love with the idea of someone else to move on. Rather the realisation that connections are automatic, they can not be forced. When the spark is there it is there and it feels amazing, relaxed. And to me I think that should be the desire behind a soulmate or a partner. Someone you can be yourself with, unafraid, unapologetic. The conversation should just flow or be a comfortable silence. No anxiety. Just laughs, and good times!

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