Argh, another night of not being able to sleep straight through the night again. I can’t shut my mind off long enough for me to drift off to sleep. I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I just went to work a bit late and just drove him to get his haircut.
Everyone tells me to not blame myself for this but I can’t help it. Thinking about putting him in a home breaks my heart. I just wished he would have waited. All my life I’ve always did everything and anything to make the folks comfortable and happy. I stayed close by during college b/c I couldn’t bare the thought of going away for school. I hate to see him suffer. Damn my heart. I would rather be the one dying than him. I would gladly just fall asleep and not ever wake up again. Just go out naturally. I really do but I still have my mom to think of. I have to be strong for her b/c she needs me now more than ever.
I just wish he would mellow out a bit. I called around and there are doctors to help with treating it but every time I suggest something he refuses to go. I remember when he had a cancerous mole on his nose, it took me weeks of begging him to go when he finally agreed. Even after he had it removed, I was the one to clean the wound for about a month. When he fell down earlier this year, I was the one that cleaned up his wounds. I’ve always done everything to make him happy…why can’t he see this and just let me help him one last time?
Tears are streaming down my cheeks. I am so frustrated that I can’t do anything to help him. He refuses to let me do anything to help himself. All I asked of him is to let me make him appointments and drive him to see the doctors. It hurts to just stand by and not be able to do anything.