I’ve been SO confused lately when it comes to religion. All my life I’ve gone to church and always just accepted Jesus and the Bible. I was even born into a missionary family. My dad (the same homophobic, close minded dad from other entries…but we’ll get to that later) has a Masters of Divinity degree. He is a youth group leader at my church now. God has always been a huge part of my life.

But now I’m questioning everything. I guess that’s what comes with growing up. I’m starting to question things instead of taking them as their given to me. Church people always say “kids” have to eventually own up to their relationship with God, their parents can’t do that for them. I’ll be a senior in the fall so I’ll be leaving for college next summer. I’m slightly worried that when I’m gone I’ll abandon religion. My dad always says the statistics of Christians staying Christians throughout college are so low.

But the thought of leaving God doesn’t actually scare me as much as it should. I’ve always been taught that abandoning God means going to hell. So that should scare me, right? But it doesn’t.

So many things are making me not want to be a part of religion. First, the way my dad handles LGBTQ issues is so horrible. He says we have to love everyone because everyone sins and deserves Jesus. But then he singles out the LGBTQ community like they’re unsavable and God doesn’t love them. I’m sorry, but doesn’t the Bible say that all sin is equal in God’s eyes? Lying to my parents and killing someone are the same to God. Therefore, by that same logic, a gay person is “sinning” the same as a person who cheats on a math test.

Which brings me to my next point, I don’t consider LGBTQ people to be sinners. Oh boy, I guess I’m going to hell. I just can’t accept the fact that it’s ok for someone to dictate how another person loves or chooses to feel. Like, imagine is someone told you that you can’t marry the person you love because of some ancient text in a book. And then looking at people like Mitch Grassi, who are so comfortable in their skin and don’t give a fuck about what others think. I want that kind of mentality. But I guess it’s a sin because Mitch is gay and also goes by he/she pronouns. He also wears “women’s” clothing.

Seriously, fuck gender roles. My dad of course considers men and women to be totally separate in their jobs/roles in society. He says that God made them to be different for a reason, and they shouldn’t start crossing the line that separates them. For example, he hates when women play “male” sports like hockey and football. What’s wrong with a woman playing a sport that makes her happy?? He also says that women are weaker than men in all cases. I was comparing Black Widow and Hawkeye and said I like Black Widow better because she’s a better agent than Hawkeye. Then he said that’s impossible because Hawkeye could beat Black Widow any day just because he’s a male.  So if the Bible says that gender roles are very evident and can’t be crossed, then I don’t want to be a part of that.

Next, clothing. Like why the fuck should I wear shorts down to my knees and shirts that cover my shoulders. I get that the Bible says to be modest, but since when is showing my upper thighs and shoulders immodest? If he’s worried about males oogling me, then maybe start teaching those males to control their thoughts. I bet sexualizing women is a sin somewhere in the Bible.

Also back to the whole “women have a designated spot in society”. I want to be a doctor. That means I’ll probably be a pretty dominant person in my career. I want to be able to focus on my career to better myself in it. Which means I don’t exactly want kids because when will I have time to raise a family?  That’s not the only reason I don’t want them. I just don’t like kids in general and can’t see myself as a mom. But my dad says I have to have kids, specifically 8, because that’s what women do.

I’ve always had this one question about religion. The Bible says that good works won’t get you into heaven. You have to accept Jesus into your life (Ephesians 2:9). That’s the only thing. You could have done the worst things in your life, like murdered people or something, but if you accept Jesus into your life sincerely, then you’ll go to heaven. An example of this is when Jesus told the criminal on the cross next to him he’ll see him in heaven because he believed in that dying moment. So my question is, if all you have to do to get into heaven is believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose again to save our sins, is there anything a Christian can do that will stop them from getting into heaven? Like when I look at my own life, I break A LOT of commandments. I take the Lord’s name in vain constantly, I don’t honor my parents at all, I’ve stolen, I lie all the time, I covet other peoples’ stuff…it can be argued that I have other “idols”. I hold a lot of famous people (ahem Pentatonix ahem) on a pedestal. A lot of my views don’t line up with Christian views(see above). I swear a lot, in my head at least. I’m definitely not a model Christian. But does that mean I’m not going to heaven? If I condone the LGBTQ community and don’t live in the typical Christian way then will God send me to hell?

Then that leads me to wondering if God even exists. Is there a heaven and hell? Is the Bible true? If I grew up in a non-Christian home and heard the Bible would I still believe it? Since I don’t read my Bible and pray like a good Christian and I have “distorted” views, then am I not a Christian at all? If I was a real Christian then I wouldn’t think these things, right? I would have a solid belief that God exists.

Which is weird because I still really believe He does exist. I know I just questioned it a ton, but I do think he exists. I just don’t know if he’s the God that I’ve been taught. There’s so many different denominations of Christianity in the world. I think as long as you believe that Jesus is your savior and trust in Him, then you’re going to heaven. But somehow I can’t accept the fact that God forgives everything.

I think that’s my issue. Yes! I found my issue after rambling on for forever. I can’t accept that God can forgive me for disagreeing with the Bible. I know God’s there and I trust that he’ll lead my life in the right path. But why would he do anything for me if I question his commandments and rules? I’ve been praying for a part time job for a while now but why would God give me a job when I couldn’t be bothered to follow the 10 commandments, or at least try to. I sin so willingly and don’t even feel bad about it.

OK, I’m a mess now. I feel like my thoughts aren’t even making sense anymore. I think I’m more confused now then when I started?

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