Last night should have been a pivotal time in Kris and I’s relationship. Via text, he confessed all of these emotions that he feels towards me. Instead of being ecstatic and reacting in a happy positive way I focused on that he did it via text. I should have known better. I know that he has trouble with his words and writing his words down helps him get them out.
I messed up, I really messed up. I had almost no positive reaction at all. Why did I do this? Why did I ruin this? Why did I question him for sending this via text? These are the questions keep asking my self. I am so angry at myself right now.
In reality, I have no idea why I acted that way. I guess deep down underneath it all its because I went through this same thing with my most recent ex. He would barely ever open up to me via his words in person and I had to wait for him to gather them together and talk to me via text while I was at work. I told myself this is not a relationship and I did not want this.
I know that was going too far. Kris has expressed to me his feelings in person before. That is a fact. I over reacted and messed up.
Kris is angry at me. This is the first time I have made him this angry and I do not know what to do or how he is going to act. This is what I always try to avoid, making my partner angry with me because I do not deal well with it. I tear myself apart for making them angry.
Here we are about to go away this weekend to New York City and I do this. I do not even know if he still wants to go with me. I sure hope he does. I would not be surprised if he came to me and said he would rather we not go because he needs time to get over this. I hope he doesn’t but I will understand the reason if he does. I guess I could find something to do for my birthday.
This one is hard though because I do love him, probably the most I’ve ever loved someone. There is a connection between us that is hard to put into words. When I am around him I feel safe, like he’ll always take care of me. I love how we can joke, laugh, and carry on while sitting on his sofa watching TV.
For the first time in almost 10 years I am not scared of the future. I am not scared to picture myself with him down the road – moving in together, exploring the world, getting married, buying a home. I know its only been 4 months. However, this is how I feel and no one can take that away from him.
I hope he can forgive me and not hold a grudge against me for this. Also, I hope this situation does not stop him from wanting to be open with me in the future. I know it may because I know he has issues with trust and here I go messing up the trust he is giving me.
I hope I get the opportunity to make this right.
I guess I will see what happens.