Sadness

Last night should have been a pivotal time in Kris and I’s relationship. Via text, he confessed all of these emotions that he feels towards me. Instead of being ecstatic and reacting in a happy positive way I focused on that he did it via text. I should have known better. I know that he has trouble with his words and writing his words down helps him get them out. 

I messed up, I really messed up. I had almost no positive reaction at all. Why did I do this? Why did I ruin this? Why did I question him for sending this via text? These are the questions keep asking my self. I am so angry at myself right now.

In reality, I have no idea why I acted that way. I guess deep down underneath it all its because I went through this same thing with my most recent ex. He would barely ever open up to me via his words in person and I had to wait for him to gather them together and talk to me via text while I was at work. I told myself this is not a relationship and I did not want this.

I know that was going too far. Kris has expressed to me his feelings in person before. That is a fact. I over reacted and messed up. 

Kris is angry at me. This is the first time I have made him this angry and I do not know what to do or how he is going to act. This is what I always try to avoid, making my partner angry with me because I do not deal well with it. I tear myself apart for making them angry. 

Here we are about to go away this weekend to New York City and I do this. I do not even know if he still wants to go with me. I sure hope he does. I would not be surprised if he came to me and said he would rather we not go because he needs time to get over this. I hope he doesn’t but I will understand the reason if he does. I guess I could find something to do for my birthday.

This one is hard though because I do love him, probably the most I’ve ever loved someone. There is a connection between us that is hard to put into words. When I am around him I feel safe, like he’ll always take care of me. I love how we can joke, laugh, and carry on while sitting on his sofa watching TV.

For the first time in almost 10 years I am not scared of the future. I am not scared to picture myself with him down the road – moving in together, exploring the world, getting married, buying a home. I know its only been 4 months. However, this is how I feel and no one can take that away from him.

I hope he can forgive me and not hold a grudge against me for this. Also, I hope this situation does not stop him from wanting to be open with me in the future. I know it may because I know he has issues with trust and here I go messing up the trust he is giving me. 

I hope I get the opportunity to make this right.

I guess I will see what happens.

2 thoughts on “Sadness”

  1. First, forgive yourself for messing up. You have issues, and he does too. They just bumped together this time. We all have them, and we all mess up. This relationship sounds so good, girl! Just tell him you are so sorry, and you love him. Ask God for help. I hope it works out!! I truly do.

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