Being Vulnerable part 2

I finally replied to Hannah’s email! I actually read it and it wasn’t bad at all. She was just wondering how I was doing and my thoughts on her lesson from our monthly get togethers. She texted me this morning and asked how I was doing so I figured I can’t put off responding to her anymore. I opened up a little in my text back to her which wasn’t so bad. Hopefully talking to her about my depression will get easier. Hopefully talking to anyone about my depression will get easier.

I think the problem with talking about it is that I haven’t been diagnosed with depression so there’s still the possibility that’s it’s all in my head. So if I start telling people that I have depression and it turns out to be me just being a brat then I would feel horrible. I hate to be one of those people who makes up problems just for attention. That’s not who I want to be at all. Also my depression isn’t to the point of being suicidal or harmful to myself. I’m not cutting or starving myself, even though the latter part has almost happened before. Sometimes I’ll get really low self esteem for a couple days (I mean, lower than normal) and I’ll cut my calories by a lot and it makes me feel good about myself. I know that’s not a healthy way to handle things but I don’t regret doing it.

Is it weird that I don’t even like talking about depression on this website? I still feel weird about knowing that someone out there could read this and figure out that it’s me and then they’ll know all my deep secrets and dark thoughts. I could always post things privately but I never do. I think that posting things publicly is a little step towards opening up to someone. Opening up to possible strangers reading this sounds really daunting but I’m still doing it. Then maybe I’ll be more comfortable with opening up to people I actually know and trust.

Hannah just responded to me. I guess we deal with things in kind of the same ways. We both like to find distractions and keep busy so that we don’t have time to think about things. She’s going through some really hard things right now that are way worse than me in retrospect. I guess we need each other to keep ourselves afloat.

In other news, MY ROAD TEST IS TOMORROW. I’m so NERVOUS. I’m snervous. Still haven’t seen that documentary yet or read his book…

The parallel parking is the thing that’s making me so nervous. I did a bunch today and omg I was only getting like 50%. Mike’s fool proof way of doing it is starting to fail me! Or maybe it’s just me…

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