Summer holidays

Hello.. So school finished  like 3 weeks ago and I was so glad I am not 1st grade anymore and I am so glad  I am not in the school looking at people faces they are so hreatless fucked up bastards.. They dont deserve me to even talk to them.. I was hoping  that in high school everything will get better but actually it turned even worst.. The whole year it was just a crazy mess cutting sadness pain leaving bullying all those stuff about emo cause it was my emo phase and  stuff idk.. I am not emo now but things did not  change I am still shy hating myself scared of people and scared of everything I hate myself so much I really dont know why I am here in hell i just suffer.. Everyone left me.. There is a girl called Danela she was my bset friend whole life like all primary shool and stuff and I thou she was my best friend  but in the end I found out she was and is actually the biggest enemy.. She left me I mean everyone left me now they dare to look at me in the eyes and make fun of me  jsut laugh at me.. Watching me straight into eyes and smiling.. They were making  a fool of me whole life and when they grow up they wont remember did they hurt me or did  thier words hurt.. I am home already half month and it sucks.. Being alone whole summer sucks.. There is no where to go when nobody wants you.. And when you come near people alone your just scared you feel like a stranger to whole world like nobody knows you but actually they do more than everything.. So I lets say I found a metalhead friend.. we listen to same music I know her from primary school.. Anyway I was so so alone I just wanted to have a friend that will undersand.. So we hanged out and I think  I was too excited for finally finding a friend after an year.. We were hanging out all week and stuff.. I had boyfriend he was from another country I usually dont wanna long distance relationships and hate them and stuff but we idk how but I really fell in love with him we were together 3 months but something was not right I really could not take it anymore the distance and stuff cause I knew we are never going to me cause he dont want to really I mean he said one day we will meet but I  dont think that  day will come.. After we talked I told him to delete all my pictures and ofcourse asked for screenshot to prove it and he said he has got some other pictures so he dont wanna but he sent anyway and I saw pics of some girls and I asked him who are they he did not wanted to tell me he was really rude to me Anyway I found out he is not different than others he was exactly the same but he made me think he is diffrent and it was all a lie.. It was really hard to me to get over him cause I really loved him and I am disappointed.. And now I feel so broken I feel so alone as usual… I had to meet with Mateja the metalhead girl my friend before she go on a sea vacation but idk we did not meet and hangout.. She keep ignoring my messages. I am feeling like a shit right now so alone.. I’m such a loser I did not do anything in my fucking life.. What will I do all summer. I suppose to join  the summer art club but I think it wont be here this year what will I fucking doo  all fucking summer.. Alone! Being lonely sucks it sucks so much.. Tomorrow I have to go to shool I dont wanna see those people again look them in their eyes thinking about their  thoughs People are awful people sucks.. I am going with my mom cause we also have to buy clothes for a wedding that we invited I dont wanna go I know wt will happen I will be there sitting all alone  I  would be to childish to talk with adults and too serious to be with kids and my cousins Idk I really dont wanna be there whatching them all smiling cause I will never smile plus I am like fat and I dont wear dresses cause people say I dont look good at them and stuff and my mom say.. Idk I feel so alone and mad  I fucking hate myself I wanna kill myself I wann fucking die.. I am in fucking hell nobody can help me.. Ill rob die here from loneliness alone… 

One thought on “Summer holidays”

  1. I know it probably doesn’t help your pain right now but it is very important that you listen to me. It will 100%, without a doubt get better. I know it seems irrelevant now because you are hurting and feeling like you’re going to explode but if you can just stay strong, you will prevail. You’re feeling lonely? Well recording your thoughts here is an excellent way to spend your time and improve your mind. I suggest getting outside and taking a walk or even finding a hobby that interests you to both fill your time and improve yourself. Friends in your life will come and go. Sure, its awesome to believe that your childhood bestie will forever be your friend, but it doesn’t always happen like that. You will grow and change as time passes and so will your friends. If they are acting rudely towards you now, I’d say that they aren’t really true friends anyway and if I were you, I would try to stay away from them. You don’t need negative people that make you feel bad about yourself in your life. More importantly than that, you don’t need to give ANYONE the ability to make you feel bad about yourself. You are awesome. You are amazing. You have a purpose in this world. Just because life seems terrible now doesn’t mean that it always will. Take care of yourself, love yourself and heal yourself. Everything else will fall into place only after you have learned to love everything about who you are. Then I can assure you that new friends will be magnetically attracted to your confidence and awesomeness. And you’ll look back on this silly little post and not only laugh, but be proud of how far you have come. Hang in there.

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