It’s been a roller coaster of a summer.
I’ve finally had time to be me, ya know? Time away from both school and RPR to do the things I love.
I’m not going to lie. I enjoyed it. That time with me, and me alone, was amazing. I could be who I wanted to be. Say what I thought. Did what I needed to for the first time since school has started.
But when I had my first breaking of the summer, the first moment of total stress and sadness, well… It’s kind of hard to get through that alone.
Who could I turn too, though? I had left RPR – for better or worse, I couldn’t say – and my friends IRL were just not being friendly.
At the time, I only had myself.
And, well, that’s kind of hard, isn’t it? Being alone. Unsure and scared of what would come to pass.
And that anxiety, of course, made its entrance. The idea of returning to GHI, well, that came into my head often; the idea to come back to my friends. I won’t lie.
Maybe they’d accept me back, I’d tell myself. Maybe things were better.
But time again, I turned my eyes away and reminded myself I had left. I had willingly left them all behind. I was doing them good, not coming back. I wouldn’t hurt anyone. Wouldn’t say the wrong thing, because I always did, in the end.
Today, though, what do you know, I heard the most amazing of things. The most wonderful, beautiful, amazing of things.
Someone told me I actually helped people.
I actually made them smile.
I thought, me? I had done that?
They said, “You can make anyone happy.”
And all I thought was,
I, the obnoxious one who never shuts up, was rendered speechless.
I was caught at a loss of words, for once in quite a long time.
It was so scary trying to be liked there, so stressful to keep everyone happy. I never stopped talking because I didn’t want to stop and realize it’s not always so perfect. I didn’t want that illusion to fade. I didn’t want to have to face reality. But it always came back, straight in the face. I hurt people. I tried to help. Always have, always did.
And time and time again, I thought I had failed.
But apparently, I didn’t. Apparently, I actually made a difference.
Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear that? To hear, “You meant something to us.” To hear, “You always made me smile.” To hear, “You kept us all going.”
I’ve waited my entire life for someone to say that to me. No one ever did, of course. Happy little me? How could I ever be sad? How could I ever feel lonely?
I’m more broken than anyone has ever realized. And the only one who’s EVER helped me is me. When I had a problem, I had to fix it myself, but you could bet your life no one else would.
That’s why I want to help people. Make them smile. I love seeing people smile. It makes me know that I helped someone forget their worries, even if for a split second. Just seeing someone smile for that second is worth an eternity of gold to me. I want someone to make it to the end of the day happy and believing tomorrow will be a BETTER one. I want to help someone in the way I never had been; I want to lend someone the hand I needed but never gotten in my time of falling.
Even fallen angels need something to believe in.
Listen to me and my ranting! Quite a spree.
But, hey. In the end, we all want to go somewhere where we feel happy and safe and perfect.
Truth is, that place doesn’t exist. There’s always going to be a flaw in the system.
Truth is, there will always be someone to fix it.
I hope to God and above that I can fix this.
Wish me luck, Gama, dear friend. We’re going on an adventure.
Good morning! Just need to update the song list; I’m two behind. (Sorry for the amount of Krewella songs! Got ’em in a bunch. Well, why don’t I just finish off the Krewella songs? Ahem: )
Enjoy the Ride – Krewella
Killin’ It – Krewella
Killin’ It (Killagraham Remix) – Krewella
Come and Get It – Krewella
See you soon!