(Warning, I get somewhat sad very quickly, so don’t except happy happy joy joy for this).
So, things have changed.
Lots of things.
I’m back! Well, Gama is. I’m not the same person as I was before, and now I’m nervous and scared to even say a single word in chat. Gama will have to be the person I was, and she’ll have to say the words I want to say. I don’t mind, really. I feel safer with Gama than the other people. Probably because I’m scared to fall apart again. Besides, they seem to be doing fine without me! I don’t want that to change.
A lot of people left, also, but I’m okay with that. They shouldn’t stay if they feel uncomfortable. I left for that same reason. I won’t lie, I’m still uncomfortable, but I want to help my friends again. I hope they let me.
Rx is back, which makes me so ridiculously happy. I actually wonder if one of the reasons I left was because he did. J Ya was the only friend Gama had, really. Rx brought the only person who actually was interested in talking to Gama. Heck, he was the first one to bring me into the RP. He was my connection to RPR. And when he left, that connection was lost, you know? No other character was as interested in Gama as JYa was. Now, Gama, the personality of who I want to be, was just a lonely as who I am now.
And that, dear friend, is scary. I like being alone. But sometimes loneliness isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.
Now, I still have to find where I want to be in the new group chat, who I want to be; because I’m scared all over again. I am. It’s scary. But I told friends to stay strong, to hang in there… So I have to as well. I can’t tell people to be strong and then refuse to be myself. I can’t be a hypocrite to my own advice. After all, who would I be then?
I’ve got so many questions now. So many things I need to know but don’t.
What if things go wrong again?
What if I break again?
What if I leave again?
What if I’m so different no one will accept me again?
What if I make too many mistakes again?
What if I feel as alone and broken as always again?
What if they realize how alone and broken I really am, and they don’t want to deal with my everyday constant drama?
I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. And for a long time, I probably won’t know.
Isn’t that how it works? We NEVER know the answers. There are always questions. And we’ll never know the answers until it’s too late to change anything.
What question lingers at the back of your mind? What question do you ask yourself everyday, every night?
I know mine.
Immortals – Fall Out Boy