Homosexuality, Anxiety, Baptist Parents (1)

Now that my grandparents have left and there is nothing significant occurring that may distract my unemployed state, I am stuck once again. Since I was younger, our parents always subjected us to an almost unquestionable discipline in which we still saw no chance of winning. I do not know if I was born partially challenged because every single one of my classmates throughout all my education somehow, amazingly, could so often grasp the things a professor asked; to me it all sounded like riddles. I best put it this way, “If this and this and this happens, and then this changes, then this affects this and this, therefore this is what?” and after a few seconds they’d get it and the teacher would just keep on going with this bullshit, which to was a baffling thing to me, entirely! Do you know what it was like for me? I would just lose track of everything and stare at my desk while my teacher kept bothering me to answer the “simple” question. It was not as bad whenever I was able to make out every word and then default into vapidness because I did not feel as worthless then. I occasionally asked myself when would anyone address this strange difference. Now, you must think I make no sense, but know this: that I am telling you not a riddle but the way I see things, as if normal. If I expressed this anyone would invalidate my feelings due to my thoughts. I had an superior/inferior form of communication. Did you know I can think without words? Maybe you could do that by age 13. All this fed my great sense of worthlessness and you know. Depression was to me a waste of time and a skippable barrier, like abandoning a child anywhere (or I imagine) and I don’t even even remember what it felt like, what it made me think or do. By high school, I would still play with my child cousins and little sister. I loved playing Royal Court and only-considered it when there were no more children I could relate to; now, the children spawned these days are assholes and jerks.    I felt lonely too. I was too afraid to “hang out” did people in high school and middle school actually get together outside of school? I never did, and it seems funny that they would, like in the movies. my sister eventually became more distanced and began to form her own circles, and although I’ve never known her in a deep level we do easily get why we are like we are. Correction, she does. I grew uncaring during her turning-into-a-youth period, which is just the worst motherfucking time. She doesn’t feel like our parents understand her, and her only brother has become some cold burden who just got the idea to not be afraid of being himself? At least she’s going to succeed, I believe.     So I could never open to my parents; why would they understand, why would they even listen!? It was too risky for anything to happen, for any minor suspicion.



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