I’m in one of those moods. Not really a ranting mood, but just a mood where I feel the need to vent and pour my everything into something. Along the track of self discovery or some shit. So I’ve decided to be honest, both with whoever reads this, and with myself. Please don’t comment regarding this. I want to leave this untouched and as vulnerable as possible. For posterity.
Here are the things I’m afraid of.
1) Being alone. Or rather, dying alone. I’m scared of losing the people that I love the most and being stuck by myself with “nothing” to live for. Although I know we all have to die eventually and God exists so I will never be truly alone- this still bothers me.
2) Heights. I really have no idea why. They sort of freak me out. But I’m working on overcoming this one. So it might not be on this list for long.
3) The ocean. I am terrified of the ocean. Moreso, what’s in it. There could be so much out there…it excites me a little. But it scares me because it’s so much bigger than I am. It makes me feel small.
4) Intimacy... The last, and probably most secret of my fears. I will never admit this to anyone in my personal life, but I am terrified of being intimate. I make it seem like I’m not. And it’s not like I don’t want to be. I do. When the right time comes, I want to give my everything to the person I’m thinking of right now. But I’m scared of ruining it. I’m scared of not being quite good enough for them. I know it’s stupid to say that I’m scared of not being pretty enough. And my self esteem has gotten better…I know deep down that my significant other loves me for who I am, not for my body. We’ve talked about it because I used to be really self conscious. But that doesn’t take away the feeling of wanting to physically be good enough. Sigh. I’m not depressed about it or anything, but I still think about it sometimes.
I had to do this. More for just a way of being honest with myself than anything else. Please understand that. Everyone has fears. This entry is merely just a couple of statements and nothing more than that.