My whole life I have been drilled about when you have a job you commit to that job, that company. You should be loyal to it, because it is giving you a chance; an income, a life. I have been conditioned to put work before my life, enjoyment, my happiness. Because that is how it has always been. It was why I was always so hesitant about getting a job, I was scared- because I knew that where I would start would be where I would end. That’s a whole lot of commitment. I have commitment issues. So I put it off for as long as I could. But when I finally turned 18 I could no longer prolong the inevitable. The problem with that is 18 is relatively young in the grand scheme of things. At 18 I had no experience, I was still in school and had no direction of what or who I wanted to be. Just that I needed money to be able to live. I always wanted a job to fit in with my lifestyle but I got told over and over again that wasn’t how it worked- you built your life around your work. And now almost 4 years later here I am about to make a change. And I’m so scared, I feel sick to my stomach. Because of all the preconceived ideas I had forced onto me about work and loyalty I’m too scared to make the leap. Constantly obsessing over whether it is the right decision or will it end in turmoil. Should I just stay, where I am unhappy and have pushed myself to the limit- I am no longer learning or enjoying the place or the people I work with. I um unhappy. Every minute of every hour I spend there I am unhappy. But what if I am always going to be unhappy in every job because I still don’t know what it is I want to do, who I am or who I want to be. I just want to be happy. But i’m afraid even if you choose something that makes you happy- if you are made to do it all the time it will just become another chore, monotonous- it will lose its shine. And in the end it will be no different to working a job I hated in the first place. The only difference is it will probably ruin that in which I first enjoyed. I use to have the simplest ideas and solutions to being an adult; you are unhappy with work- find a new job, you hate who you are- change. I thought being a ‘child’ was the most restraining thing in the world- all these adults restraining me- I thought when i was an adult I would finally be able to do anything and everything I wanted. I wish I still had that conviction. That resolute, self belief in who I was and what I wanted from life. I’m so lost. I was never meant to be this person. I don’t think any of us were- -I hope in the future they realise we are not meant to live like this- all this pressure on routine and stability is killing us. We are meant to be free, enjoy the life we have because from the minute we are born we are dying. Why are we wasting our time fretting over time and work.Trying to achieve ‘happiness’. “When we have this, or do that we will finally be happy.” We should just be enjoying life for everything that it is. Trying to attain happiness through money or materialistic things is a bandaid happiness. For awhile it makes us happy but then it fades- like a high and we are always chasing the buzz. So I guess I’ll make this change and let the pieces fall where they may. I have no control over it realistically. I don’t even have control over my happiness- forced happiness is not true happiness either. So this will have to go down as a new chapter in this book which is my life- and it will be an experience. Experiences are painful but they always have a lesson in them. I am learning. Everyday. That is what I think life is about. Learning; who you are, who you want to be.