Much improvement in many ways but a bit of regression in others. I’ve been mostly evenly temperamental lately (which is pleasant), but I have my moments. Procrastination has been roaring its ugly head. I’ve been avoiding organizing my bedroom even though I know if I took one good hour to do it I would have less anxiety and feel better. I’m not sure why I do this to myself, I have an aversion to starting the task, maybe it’s too overwhelming to even begin. Oh I can be my own worst enemy.
At work I have been a bit slower which most would think is good but for me it just isn’t. I get antsy and feel like I’m going to explode and then I get a bit cranky. Odd turn of events. I just know I need to keep busy.
My self esteem has been worse when it comes to my physical appearance. I try to go for walks and maybe do a few planks at home but I know I need more. I used to go religiously to the gym and was training to run but now I feel too embarrassed to go to a gym or to try to run outside because I feel too fat. I realize how backwards that sounds but the shame over my body I feel is astounding. I know logically looking at myself I’m not THAT overweight but it just strikes a cord with me when I go out. I am constantly looking at other women smaller than me and feeling worse about myself. I haven’t been eating breakfast or lunch (mostly due to being on Vyvanse because it’s SO helpful with appetite suppressing) and it makes me feel good but I still don’t look good enough.
I just started reading I Am Malala and it puts things in perspective. Look at all of the things above I have complained about while Malala fights for her life and the life of others. She worries about the safety of her life and the safety of her loved ones and I am hyper focused on my fat thighs, stomach and arms.
I have a man (well sort of, we are so off and on and at times toxic for each other but that’s an entire journal I can really dedicate to that) and he tells me I’m beautiful and attractive and I don’t need makeup and I can’t accept any of it. I need to so desperately let go of my insecurities and try to enjoy my body and let it be loved, I know this would be freeing. I take time to follow many body positive women on Instagram. They are beyond inspirational with their messages of self love and rejecting the media that has been stuffed down women’s throats telling us about how many things we need to change to be “better” and “beautiful.” I’d love to be free like those women.
This journal is a shy way that I am able to be “free” and myself. While I keep it so I can’t be identified it still feels nice to be unapologetic in my writings. I am able to freely share to “the world” exactly what is happening at any particular time in my mind and someone people even comment! That makes my day, to be honest. Someone felt the need to comment after something I wrote, even though what I write is absolutely not profound or magnificent. I wish that one day I could just be me on here though, I worry about sharing my darkness when it strikes. I have a job where I am in charge of employees and run an organization so judgements worry me (in many aspects I see now, maybe I need to focus on letting go of what others may think).
Each day I feel I am finding out more about myself, or maybe just allowing myself to be “out there” and if that’s not progress, what really is? Shedding what one pretends to be to eventually be naked or free of pretending. Being my authentic self in all arenas of my life is a goal I’d one day like to achieve.