Disoriented Ramblings – Uncontrolled Thoughts

Shall I let the thoughts ramble on?  There is a constant war raging within about who I want to be, who I should be and who I really am.  It’s not the typical war you’d think either.  Each of those options changes almost daily.  Some days I would like to be passive, a let-things-roll-off-my-back type of girl.  Other days I want to run it all, take charge and be forceful.  Some days I am both of those things. 

It must be difficult to be around me or call yourself my friend.  Never knowing if I’ll blow hot or cold.  It’s difficult to be me really.  I don’t know how I’ll react one moment to the next.  It’s as if I am a guest in my own mind and body.  Is it my soul or spirit running the show or is it my soul or spirit that feels like a guest and my mind is the problem?

If I can’t distinguish the two how will I ever be my authentic self?  How can I trust decisions that I make?  Will the decisions I come to be based on a sick mind or the true essence of who I am?  What if the true essence of who I am sucks and I have every right to legitimately dislike myself?

I’d like to hit an age where I don’t question everything about my existence.  I’d just like to BE.  Just living each day without excessive worry or hyperfocusing on the multitude of emotional feelings that are polar opposites existing within.

The only time I’ve ever felt truly “in the moment” was on marijuana.  There were no thought about past or thoughts in general besides just holding whatever conversation in the moment itself.  Freeing.  I feel like normal people probably achieve that during meditation or yoga.

One sweet day I’ll control my thoughts and they won’t control me.  Until then I should strap myself in and just try to survive the ride.  I’d like to think life is more than just surviving but what other option do I truly have? 

When I look around I don’t feel like other people feel this way and it’s just me.  Everyone seems to have a purpose and can love themselves wholly but I struggle daily.  What does your inner dialogue to do you and your emotions?  Or do you control that?  I feel I can be a victim of my own thoughts, is this true of everyone?  Am I just more particularly powerless than most?  I don’t think this is an active choice I make either, I don’t choose to be powerless, I don’t want to be, I want to control what dialogue happens inside.

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