I am officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and ADHD but sometimes I really fee like I have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, although I know BPD and Bipolar can sometimes look similar.
For example, I have been triggered since yesterday because I can’t believe what someone said to me even though I know they are honest. I immediately place my own beliefs (always negative) on why they did what they did and assume they are lying to me to try to spare my feelings. I assume that this person doesn’t have true love for me, instead I am just the one who is responding to them so I am filling their time, while the one they truly want is out there, playing hard to get like I should be doing to protect myself. I immediately feel I should leave before getting left after these thoughts and emotions. Then it becomes a downward spiral into me thinking I only have friends because they feel sorry for me and when they hang out with me it is out of pity and not true friendship because, lets be honest, what do I have to offer except my mental illness.
I don’t always think this way, thank heavens, so I am trying to wait it out I suppose. I’ve tried counteracting the thoughts like therapy and Pinterest once showed me but it’s to no avail. Maybe I just need to do it daily instead of when I’m this far beyond logical thinking.
I am going to see family today for the holiday, it’s been a few years since I’ve been to a family gathering. A few years back I drank to much and drove home and felt embarrassed (still do) so I avoided everyone for years. Now I can look back and know I was manic and that’s why I drank so much and got out of hand. I think it makes me feel better because logical-me wouldn’t have done that.
Looking back the patterns are all there of this illness. I do wonder about the BPD though. I’ll talk to my doctor about it. I wish there was a pill to stop negative thoughts. As soon as I am triggered I immediately think about cutting myself, driving my car into a tree or taking a handful of pills. Luckily my medications must be working because I did none of those. I instead came home, made tea and took a nap, definitely a better choice. So maybe I should feel proud that I made a decent choice given my acutely strong emotional reaction. I won’t, I’m more into beating myself up for being irrational. But at least the thought of being proud of a little choice in a moment is there.