so…..i need a place to get the thoughts in my head out. i have recently discovered that i am dead inside. i am so buried beneath so much crap. it doesn’t mean that i don’t love the people in my life. i do. i feel love.
by dead inside, i mean….
at some point, i started using routine…the robotic me…the one that just “does what needs to be done”, in place of actually enjoying and playing and living. i stopped expressing how i felt. even now…when i want to express something, i can’t. it’s like i’ve captured all the “feeling” and trapped and buried it.
i don’t know why or when this happened. i mean, i’m sure i could come up with good ideas on both, but it’s just too much work. the point is that it DID happen, and i’ve only recently realized it. i’m trapped inside myself….and i use routine, and food to cover it up. in fact i use routine and food so much…that i pile it all up on top of the me that’s buried, so that i just become further covered up. maybe one day i’ll just disappear?
thing is…now that i’ve realized it….i want to dig my way out. i really want to. i want to live what i feel, instead of hiding what i feel. i want to be real. i’m tired of this charade of sorts. i’ve become so miserable that it’s just normal to punish myself, and food is the best way i do that. yummy, delicous, comforting food. feels so good going down….but only brings about self hate (MORE) afterward.
somewhere inside me, i’ve chosen to live again. it’s a weak choice. by that i mean that i am saying the words, and i think i really feel them, but i don’t have much confidence in myself about actually doing the work this will take. after all…it’s work. and when it comes to working on myself….it’s just easier to eat. and then sleep. those are my two most comforting things.
i’m not hidden away in a house alone. i have a family….one child still at home, and two beautiful grandchildren. oh…and lets not forget to mention the wonderful man i’m married to. seriously…he’s wonderful. i just don’t know why he stays. i’m no fun. at all.
but again…i wanna be. i wanna free “me”. i want to stop eating my feelings.
and i just can’t figure out where exactly to start. this isn’t a food/diet journal, but i feel like food is a crucial place to start for me, since i use it for much evil done to myself.
it sucks tho. i truly don’t enjoy healthy food. so….that new training the taste buds thing that people talk about….it’s hard for me. and like i said, i’m not strong…i’m not confident. i feel at this moment that i’m typing, that i’ll fail right off the bat and never come to this journal again. i hate that i think that. but i may as well be honest.
well…today…this entry was just about ADMITTING how i feel. i can’t say it to anyone in my life. they wouldn’t understand. they would be hurt to hear that i feel dead inside. they would think i didn’t love them. and it just doesn’t mean that. and i don’t want to try to explain all this to anyone in my life. it’s too hard. i’m not ready for hard. i just need a place to say it like it is…and hopefully motivate myself a little bit into some of the changes that i know i need.