first timer

my first fucking online journal.  I don’t know if it will be private or public but I don’t really care either.  I’m 33.  Overweight, aging, absurd.  but also overly sensitive, caring, comappionate, passionate…  


Too much smoking equals too much coughing.  I can’t even smoke cigarettes like i used to.  I just have maybe 2-3 per day but I also use an ecig on a low level nicotine- I was on the ecig 100% for a long while but then i started drinking again and remembered the joy of smoking while drunk.  I also Love to smoke pot..  It makes me feel even.  It makes me think less and thats good since i typically think too much and it gives me anxiety.  So what if I am an addict/alcoholic… i used to do aa meetings but I would rather be intoxicated.  chelsea handler is a very successful alcoholic.  and she is just one of the famous ones.  many people are functioning alcoholics and maybe I can be one of them.  In the meantime I am back to the old routine of convincing people I no longer have a drinking problem.  


Oh I see the little tab down there where I click public or private..  i kinda want to go public.  who will know it is me?  who even reads shit like this online when there are way better websites and blogs to read.. Facebook, buzzfeed, imgur, 

drinking a cheap sugary ass drink thats gonna make me feel like shit in the morning.  Before that I had one mini bottle of crown royal mixed between two drinks with ginger ale.  I drink a lot more when I don’t smoke herb god damn I can’t stop coughing it sucks ass. 


I live with my boyfriend.  He is an insecure, anti-social, nihilist, atheist, gamer with a sexy beard and a heart of gold (for me) He likes to pretend he is a jerk because of all the things he does or doesn’t believe in, but he mostly comes off as retarded.  I fucking love him so much-he is my best friend and I can’t be away from him for too long, but he is also lazy and annoying- and sex has always been a huge issue.  He is not freaky at all actually he has the lowest sex drive I’ve ever seen.  We broke up for a while and I slept with a few different dudes in that time.  the delicious fuck buddy of olden times, and two new weirdos.  (the old friend was amazing and the other two were weird) but I missed my boyfriend.  So we got back together and moved in to gather.  


I do miss my fuck buddy though.  I often think about our times together and wish I could be with him again.  But he lacked love and companionship and in the end that was more important to me than sex.  

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