So, this journal is for me to just put everything down on paper, be it: flattering, embarrasing, pathetic, mundane or non-sensical. I guess the reason I am putting keyboard to paper is in order for me to keep things in perspective but also to get advice, so if you have a comment to make, feel free. Sometimes it’s easier to spill your secrets to strangers.
So about me:
I just turned 31.
I emmigrated to another country on a 2-year visa but am having to return home after 2 months due to being unable to find work.
I left a perfectly good job to come here but now I don’t want the same job that I had before.
I have no friends.
When I get home, I will have no money, no job and will be back home with my parents.
I’m still a virgin.
I don’t think very much of myself.
My relationship past is best described as ‘wilderness’.
So that’s basically me in a nutshell. I know alot of people look back on their life at some point and think how did I get like this? But I know the answer to that. I know how it happened and when it first started happening. Although I have recently remembered an unpleasant event from years ago, and I do wonder if that has subconsciously played a part. My question is ‘How do I get myself out of this’?
I know that alot of my problems are because of my weight. I wear it like a sort of armour. If I like a guy but he doesn’t like me, it’s not because of *me* per se, but rather my weight. If I lost weight, guys would give me the time of day (hopefully). At the same time, I have received abuse from random strangers (mainly men) and so I hate myself and think I don’t deserve it.
I was a competitive swimmer, training 5 times a week with galas at the weekend, I rowed nationally, I was on the diving team, the school swimming team, competed in judo, played lacross and netball, and yet as soon as I turned 13, BAM! The weight started piling on. I hate it but it’s my armour. As said previously, if I lose weight, guys would give me the time of day but if they reject me, it’s because they don’t like me. This is what I tell myself. Due to the abuse I have received from random strangers so often, I have come to believe what they say. I don’t know if there is something about me but they could walk past about 20 women before they get to me, but it’s me that gets the abuse. The most recent incident was when I was out for a run and this guy stepped aside for me. I made eye contact, said ‘thank you’ and his friends then started to shout “Fucking hell, I can feel the earth move” and “Run, blubberbut, run!”. Even as a teenager, I would go out with friends and their boyfriends straight away didn’t seem to have any time for me. I’m not clingy by any means and around people I don’t know, I am quite quiet. I’m not rude or saracastic to them and yet I always seem to be presented with negative reactions.
If a guy does show any interest, I automatically think 1 of 4 things:
1. They’ve made a bet
2. He’s taking the piss
3. There’s no point because if I don’t like seeing myself naked, then how can I expect anyone else to like it either?
4. What the hell will a guy think when I tell him I’m still a virgin?
On the friends front: at high school, I would have people I didn’t really know ask for my advice. Apparently it’s because I’m easy to talk to. In Sixth Form, I had 3 friends I spent all my time with and we were really close, but it ended badly. One of them contacted me a few years after and said that she has been seeing a counsellor and she realises now that she treated me really badly and she’s sorry. I didn’t reply. It’s in the past and I didn’t want to re-start a friendship that wasn’t very good for me. That’s basically it. It was so much easier to make friends as kids. “I like your hairband, want to be friends?” “Yeh, sure”. How am I supposed to make friends now? I know the work place is one option but again, I find that people arrange to go shopping/go down the pub with each other and sometimes in a group, but I’m never invited. I find it is easier to make friends when you already have them. When I was younger, I used to see the adverts for people looking for friendship and I would think ‘what kind of person advertises for a friend?’. Now I’m seriously contemplating responding to some of them.
I guess I’m scared. I want to change but am terrified of the changes that will bring. I know that life is too short and I need to grab the bull by the horns, but it’s easier said than done. I’ve decided that I need to set some goals and do them. Feel the fear and do it anyway. When I get home, I intend to walk the West Highland Way, wild camping as I go before finishing the week by walking to the summit of Ben Nevis. I want to go to Thailand – on my own – and learn to scuba dive. I want to visit the Orangutan Sanctuary in Borneo – on my own. I want to lose weight. I want to learn to love myself, and maybe I’ll meet a guy along the way. I hope so.