i admit that i don’t where to start this journey. the first thing that comes to mind….is food and diet. and i guess since i can’t clearly come up with another plan just yet, that’s where i’ll start. i figure if i want to dig myself out of “me”….alot of the dirt….is fat, right? it’s only the physical aspect, and i know that some mental ones needs to be addressed too…but right now, this seems the easiest start. even tho, it’s not easy. everything is just contridiction, right? and also about willing to do the work, and not just talk or wish for something….right?
so….i weigh 180 pounds. i am 40 pounds overweight. seems easy enough? yeah right. remember, i don’t have much confidence in myself. right now….it’s all “want”….born of a need that hasn’t taken control yet. if that makes any kind of sense.
besides the fact that i’m 40 pounds heavier than i should be (due to eatting every emotion i’ve felt and not expressed the last few years), my health is also at risk because of the way i eat. i am pre-diabetic, and have been for 15 years. i’ve kept from going over the line and being deemed type two diabetic, only because 15 years ago, i completely gave up sugar and sweets. no cake, candy, ice cream, any sort of sweet at all. none….for 15 years. sounds good, accept that my weakness comes in the forms of the things that still do me in, even without the full out sugar. like bread. it’s my enemy when it comes to being thin, or from getting off the diabetic wall. but do i give it up? nope…i like it too much, and i totally suck at that balance thing, so i overdo it, of course.
the other medical issue, is high blood pressure. the more i weigh, the more this becomes an issue and the harder my meds have to fight to work. sometimes i am literally a stroke waiting to happen. and still….i don’t do what i need to do, to get it under control better. i know this means that i just don’t feel like i deserve to be better. or feel better. or look better. i am the queen of self sabotage….all because i don’t feel i’m deservant of being the way that i wish to be.
this millionth attempt to get things right, is only because i realized how dead inside i am. before, it was just a weight thing and a health thing. those things weren’t important enough. but being dead inside? that is leading to being very, very disconnected from my life. it’s already happening, and i want to stop it….reverse it. i love the people in my life more than i love myself….no matter how sad it sounds. it’s true. and so this journey, starts out being for THEM….so that i don’t lose my connections with them. and i can only hope that somewhere along the way, it becomes about me.
not holding my breath tho. that’s what lack of self value does. i’m good to those in my life. and horrible to myself. it’s stupid. but i’m seeing lately, that if i don’t start being better to myself….i won’t be here to be anything at all to them. what a fact facing circle. and confusing. so okay…even if it’s for them at first….it’s still a start. it’s my boost….i hope.
tomarrow….i pay attention to what goes in my mouth. i haven’t figured out the rules yet….but tomarrow i will figure them out as i go. and dam it….i will stick to them!