Anger

I felt it. Anger. For the first time since the breakup. Better than sadness.

Yesterday, something fell in my eye right before a 3 hour class. I tried to wash it out but failed. Sat through the class, went home. Washing didn’t work. I figured my eye was just irritated. Crying = drying and that can irritate your eyes.

Anyway, I reached home at 5:30pm and couldn’t get a single thing done. My right eye wouldn’t stop watering and it was sensitive to light. 

I figured I could wear an eye patch or my aviators and study enough but that didn’t work. That’s when the migraine struck. 

I was so frustrated because this week has been a string of bad things. I cried. I couldn’t hold it in. A, the mutual friend called and we were talking and I couldn’t stay strong anymore. It was like everything had crashed down on me at once. She consoled me best as she could. I also realized that I need to give up on hoping that we will be friends again. D is stubborn. Always has been. There is nothing to be done other than just going over and ringing his doorbell. But the last time I texted, I had begged and he had blocked me like the kindergartener he is.

I woke up to a missed call and texts. Apparently, there was an old Google hangouts group with D, A and I. He “accidentally” sent a missed call there. A asked him what he’s doing. He said, “Accident” and left the group.

When I saw all this, my mind screamed asshole. Why have I been so nice about this?

I get that he can’t do relationships anymore despite being the initiator in this relationship. I understand it. But everything else is fucking stupid. 

That cowardly, insensitive, idiotic, selfish, immature idiot. He’s in pain. I know he misses me. He brought this upon us. We could’ve taken some time off from each other and then attempted friendship.

My heart goes out to him but I will not forgive him until he earns it.

*pats own back* At least I didn’t cry. Going to kick ass at studying now. 

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