Dead

A texted me. D and her are having troubles. Things are rocky because she is angry with him because of the way he behaved. But she also understands his need for the total absolute cutting off, as do I.

I think they will make it. I hope they do.

I know I am not done grieving. There are times when I think I am. But it will take a while. It is natural to miss someone who meant so much. I can’t throw away the books he gifted to me. I can’t throw away memories of how we made love. When I look at my body, he is there. He will be for a long time. And I am trying to make my peace with it. 

I was digging out a notebook from this stack in my shelves, way way at the back.

And I found his Accounting notebook from IPCC times. He has no need for it. I have no need for it. It was just a prop he used the first time he came over and I was home alone. It was another souvenir I had just kept. 

As I am typing this, I am getting up from my bed and walking to where we stash paper products for recycling. I kissed it goodbye. 

I have to study hard and meet people. Making plans with P and J soon. We’ll meet for drinks and talk and I’ll feel better. 

S’s birthday is in a couple of weeks. Will meet people there too. I’ll learn to be okay.

This is so much better than the time SJ and I broke up. I am stronger. There is sadness but I am still me. I am not depressed. I am eating. Studying as much as my strength allows. I went to class. I dressed up. Put my new lipstick on. 

I know I will be fine. D is gone. Gone. GONE. I have to accept it. Gone. 

Not friends. Not nothing. I need to bury him and move on with my life. Like I would’ve done had he died. He is dead. 

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